Ontario runs out of chick peas: Laurier to blame

The president of Wilfrid Laurier University realizes what he’s done. (Photo credit: BiblioArchives / LibraryArchives)

Three days ago, Southern Ontario entered what some are calling “the most drastic legume emergency in a decade.” There are no chick peas left anywhere south of Perry Sound.  Millions of Ontarians are affected, as chick peas are the number one source of essential mineral, copitivan, in this area. Today the answer became clear. Laurier is to blame for the chick pea outage.

The disastrous chick pea situation has bewildered North America’s leading bio-sociologists, who have spent the past week traveling to all the affected cities. After only a few hours of analysis in Waterloo, they uncovered the answer. Laurier has eaten all the chick peas in Southern Ontario.

Students ate thousands of tonnes of chick peas, unknowingly

On Janurary 28th 2013, Laurier University declared a state of Veganism Emergency, and immediately stopped serving meat and animal by-products on campus. Although the Meatless 2013 caused a moderate amount of upset, it seems the majority of students didn’t even notice that they had been tricked into becoming vegans.

Facts are still being unearthed, but it appears that Laurier replaced all their meat ingredients with chick pea paste.

Ontarians need chick peas to protect elbows

“It’s unrealistic to think that Ontarians can survive without chick peas,” said leading health expert from Eat Right Southern Ontario. “There are literally no other sources of copitivan in existence.” Jim from Eat Right was unable to release any official information on the health impact of copitivan, but he did suggest that every single Southern Ontarian will be experiencing increased hair loss, ear growth, and “saggy elbows” thanks to Laurier’s irresponsible legume behaviour.

Thanks a lot Laurier.

So what are Southern Ontarians supposed to do now? Rumors suggested that Perry Sound grocery stores are selling the coveted at mark-ups 10 to 15 times higher than usual. That’s always an option.

Is there a silver lining to this horror story?

The Eat Right Ontario chick pea information page recently went viral. Although the site is glad for the  new 1,000 hits per minute, they regret that their internet fame came at such a cost. Eat Right Ontario is very disappointed with Laurier University, for their irresponsible behaviour.

“I just hope the rest of Canada can forgive Laurier for what they’ve done,” was Eat Right Southern Ontario’s official statement on the issue.

Like many Waterloo locals, we hope Laurier’s new reputation for chick pea hoarding won’t cast a negative shadow on our otherwise socially-responsible city.

When asked how Ontarians should deal with our copitivan deficiencies, Jim from Eat Right was at a loss: “God help us all.”

FEDS Offer Reward to Goose-smashing Audi Driver

An evil Waterloo goose gnawing his way into a class he didn’t pay for. (Photo credit: Floccinaucinihilipilification)

After returning from Reading Week, University of Waterloo’s Federation of Students (FEDS) have begun the search for a careless Audi driver. Unlike local police, however, the FEDS want to give the driver an award.

The driver, mentioned in a police report published in last Monday’s Record, hit a lamppost in Cambridge which caused at least dozens of dollars in damage, and inconvenienced other drivers by making the lamppost look “odd”, according a Cambridge native. After speeding out of Cambridge, the same car was seen driving recklessly across UW Campus. The drive killed two geese and inadvertently ploughed a useful path across St. Paul’s Green.

“We’re over all pretty pleased,” said a spokesperson for FEDS, “It’s getting close to spring, and the geese are starting to return. It’s time we took a stand and claimed what’s rightfully ours. As soon as the snow melts Waterloo’s campus will become a full out warzone. I’ve literally seen full grown grad students reduced to tears because a mother goose is blocking the stairs to the library.”

A group of vigilante students going by the name of The Coalition of Students Against Unlawful Goose Occupation called for a more extreme follow up action. On the list of ideas they submitted to a joint FEDS and UW council was a plan to mount the dead goose heads on spikes around campus. Both the FEDS and the University unanimously vetoed the proposal, citing possible reprisals against students come nesting season.

Laurier Student Wins 57 Free Coffees in a Row

Jennifer celebrating her 40th win (Photo credit: mikemac29)

It’s every Canadian’s dream: get trapped in a never-ending loop of free Tim Hortons coffee. Thanks to Roll Up the Rim, one Psychology student from Laurier University has struck gold 57 times in a row.

This morning Jennifer Goodwin redeemed her 50th free coffee from Tim Hortons, and sat down to study with some friends. That trip earned her 7 free coffee wins – the longest Roll Up the Rim streak to ever occur in under 3 hours.

“I had nothing else to do,” said Jennifer.

“We made her chug the last 3,” laughed her boyfriend Lawrence.

Jennifer will be taking a 2 day break from Canada’s favourite lottery, as she is currently in the hospital due to vomiting and chest pains. Doctors say she’ll be fine, and that a little gambling has never hurt anyone.

After her 6th coffee, we asked Jennifer if she’d ever gambled before. “This isn’t gambling. It’s not gambling. I just bought a coffee, it’s different, not gamble, no.” After a brief pause she added: “Canada!”

Jennifer has become a bit of a celebrity on campus. Hundreds of students have stopped updating their Facebook statuses every time they lose Roll Up, and are instead keeping a running tally of Jennifer’s wins.

“Everyone knows her now. It’s weird,” says Lawrence.

However, only 20 other students have won a Roll Up prize on campus. A small group of protesters have formed, saying that Jennifer’s natural luck has ruined the otherwise accurate “1 in 6 is a winner!” promise all Canadians look forward to.

But Jennifer doesn’t care. “Haters gonna, wait what newspaper did you say you were from?”

The Waterloo Honk would like to remind everyone to drink responsibly this Roll Up season.

We want to know: How many Roll Up the Rim coffees have you won? Alternatively, just post your twitter handle, and we’ll check your most recent tweets for the answer.

Waterloo Cyclists Must Have M2 Licence to Operate Bicycles

Pictured above are the only 3 Waterloo cyclists who already had their motorcycle licence. (Photo credit: tejvanphotos)

Effective immediately, anyone operating a bicycle on the streets of Waterloo must also be certified to drive a motorcycle.

Last month the City of Waterloo announced the infamous new bike-car bylaw, which required all cyclists to attach seat-belts, windshields, and blinkers to their bicycles.

But the transit tables turned after The Record published a ground-breaking study which concluded that bike lanes actually do lead to fewer bike related accidents. The city reacted immediately by eliminating the bike-car bylaw, and creating a more sensible alternative: the M2 licensing system.

As easy as riding a motorcycle

“Getting your M2 licence is a breeze,” assures transit expert Bob Flabbs. “You just have to ride a motorcycle around the city while answering trivia questions about motorcycle maintenance. The mandatory ramp jump is a turn-off for some, but as I always say: if you’re not brave enough to ride a motorcycle off a ramp you shouldn’t be biking the streets of Waterloo.”

Flabbs and the rest of his team acknowledge that “riding a motorcycle isn’t exactly the same as riding a bicycle. But it’s close enough.” Apparently anything is safer than using bike lanes to glorify the ignorance of thousands of unlicensed plebeians.

What about the kids?

In response to concerns, the city has eliminated the age restriction on M2 certification. In response to more concerns, children under the age of 7 must have adult accompaniment during the test, who will ride the the sidecars of the child-propelled motorcycles.

So will children with motorcycle licences be allowed to ride motorcycles? “Well, yes,” says Flabbs. “But we hope they don’t.”

Are bicycles too old fashioned for Waterloo?

Mr.Flabbs certainly thinks so. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the 112,049 confirmed Kitchener-Waterloo cyclists dropped by a few thousand. I sure as hell won’t be getting certified!”

The Honk asked one university student what she thought of biking. “Cyclists are notoriously late here. You know, everyone has that one cycle-friend? It’s like ‘Why isn’t Jesse here yet? Oh right he’s a cyclist, I forgot for a second.'”

The city’s charming patchy bike lanes makes it near impossible for cyclists to arrive on time without riding on the street with the real vehicles.

When asked about the possibility of adding more bike lanes instead, Flabbs said “too expensive, too much work, too boring.”

Are you a regular cyclist who doesn’t already have an M2 licence? What sorts of initiatives should the City of Waterloo put forth to help reduce accidents?

23 people trapped on GRT bus for hours, unable to activate motion sensor

23 Kitchener-Waterloo citizens were held prisoner by the back door motion sensor on the route 8 GRT bus. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

To most, the “Bus riders must exit by back door” sign on all Kitchener-Waterloo buses may seem a friendly reminder towards an organized public transit experience. But to 23 unlucky citizens on February 20th, it held a slightly more menacing message.

At 2:34, health food store owner Heidi Megan attempted to exit the bus at Westmount and Erb. Despite vigorous attempts, she was unable to activate the motion sensor which opens the back door.

“I tried to replicate the diagram on the door. It seems simple! Just wave, and the door will open. If only it were that easy.” Witnesses report that Heidi attempted a number of alternate methods, including punching, rapid stomping, and yelling.

Heidi heroically adopted the role of spokesperson for the prisoners: “I’m pretty sure everyone on this bus has more important things to do than attempt to activate you,” said Heidi to the finicky sensor. It remained unresponsive.

The bus continued on the route for 3 more stops before Heidi announced to her co-riders that they were all trapped. “Having to watch the panic arise in my fellow prisoners was bar-none the worst experience of my life.” Many prisoners began to cry, while the rest searched for solutions on their smartphones. Eventually everyone banded together to create emergency SOS signs using napkins and notebook paper.

However, this story has a silver lining. Despite warnings from the already trapped riders, local folk singer James Kalvary entered the bus at 3:47.

“Someone had written ‘HELP US’ with lipstick on the window, a few parents were holding their crying children up, and there was an incredible banging sound coming from the walls. My curiosity was peaked. I wasn’t even planning on taking the 8!”

Kalvary has written a song about his experience, which was able to perform 14 times during his 2 hour entrapment on the GTR.

Stay tuned for the release of Kalvary’s single A Captive Audience in the upcoming weeks.

At 5:50, an engineering student who was late for a dinner date, managed to pry the door open with a crowbar he happened to have. He was the first escapee, jumping off the moving bus between stops. Many prisoners followed suit, while a few opted to wait until the bus arrived at its next scheduled stop to escape.

“It’s not the kind of thing you could easily forget,” said Heidi, accidentally quoting Kalvary’s second bus related single I Paid Three Dollars For This Ride.

The GRT continues to deny the travesty which occurred on February 20th. However, when asked what prisoners should do next time they are unable to open the back door, the response from bus drivers was unanimous: “Give it a couple goes.”

The Waterloo Honk wants to know: Have you ever been held prisoner on a GRT bus?

Petition for “Child-free Tuesday” Gains Popularity

As we all know, Family Day can get a little out of control, as pictured above. (Photo credit: Smithsonian Institution)

Following yesterday’s Family Day outings and activities, a petition to make the Tuesday after Family Day a “child-free” day is gaining popularity in the Kitchener-Waterloo region.

Parents and non-parents alike have banded together to create ‘Child-free Tuesday.’ One of the founders of this movement, Mary Pario, said to The Honk: “They [the children] are so active… and so loud. Oh my God there are loud.”  Pario went on to say that Family Day is exhausting for many parents, as they are forced to spend time with their children. “There’s a lot of social pressure to be with them 24/7.”

A press release on the Child-free Day’s website also pointed out that people who don’t like children have very few recreational options on Family Day. “They’re just everywhere, and all so sticky and smelly,” said Medea Smalls, an advocate of ‘Child-free Tuesday’ and supporter of child-free Liberty Village in Toronto. “I’d just like a day where I can wander around an art gallery and drink a cocktail without some like brat screaming.”

The petition gained popularity after the questionable decision to include dangerous feral cats in Kitchener-Waterloo Family Day celebrations (The Waterloo Honk’s report available here). More parents have begun signing up for what the Commission for Child-free Tuesday calls “A day without headache!”

There are still some concerns that the ‘Child-free Tuesday’ movement has not  fully addressed, such as where to put the children for a day. “Some people have suggested a Pied Piper scenario,” said Pario. When asked to elaborate she said she was unavailable, as she “had to take a bucket of Advil and have a lie down before the kids get in.”

The Honk wants to know: How do you feel about children?

Valentines Photo Contest Winner Announced!

Congratulations to Deb, who works at Tim Hortons at The University of Waterloo, for submitting the winning photo to The Honk’s Valentines Photo Contest.

Deb captured one of the 430 geese which were decorated for Valentines Day.

The Waterloo Honk received 45 submissions to the photo contest. It was the stunning detail of the heart stencil around the eye that put Deb’s submission a cut above the rest. Plus, it kind of looks like our icon, so we liked it.

If you look very closely, you can see the glitter on the neck of the V-Goose.

Thank you all for your fantastic submissions. Stay tuned for more photo contests.

Tiger Cubs Accidentally Separated From Parents During Waterloo Family Day Celebrations

Ever since the petting zoo incident of 1993, pictured above, The City of Waterloo has avoided using tigers to celebrate traditional holidays.

Hundreds of Waterloo families had been looking forward to seeing the infamous tiger family return to Waterloo for Family Day this year. The event, to be held in Waterloo Park from 10am-11am, promised to combine the three pillars of Family Day: education, family values, and moderate amounts of danger. However, the celebration took a dark turn when the animal caretakers realized they had lost the 3 tiger cubs.

Following in the footsteps of Laurier University, which converted Alumni Field into an observatory for a family of golden hawks, The City of Waterloo was looking forward to reinstating the tradition of Waterloo Tigers.

“The City of Waterloo has a long history of tiger commemoration,” says 56 year-old Burt Lambert. “I remember the tiger performances at the 1989 Waterloo Buskers Carnival like it was yesterday. Of course, we haven’t seen the tigers around here for quite some time, ever since the petting zoo incidence.”

Burt refers to the infamous 1993 attempt to integrate the tiger family into Waterloo Park. Although no one was hurt, concerns were raised over the short fence heights after one of the tigers jumped out of his cage and headed for the pond. The  tigers were sedated and removed after a 23 minute display period at the park.

“Tigers represent everything Family Day should stand for. Pride, integrity, and sugary cereals. It’s a true tragedy that the tiger cubs were separated from their parents, but I think the core message was conveyed anyway.”

This story isn’t a complete Family Day catastrophe. Waterloo Animal Services were able to call in emergency lion cubs. In the true spirit of Family Day, the lion cubs were integrated into the tiger family, and Waterloo locals were charged twice as much to enter the observing deck.

University of Waterloo decorates geese for Valentine’s Day

Students at The University of Waterloo arrived to a pleasant surprise on campus today: Valentine’s Day themed Canadian Geese.

Approximately half of Waterloo’s 795 resident geese have been decorated for Valentine’s Day. The geese have been dyed red, dusted with glitter, and adorned with heart pedants and “We love you” signs.

This may seem an unusual way to celebrate the day of love, but given UWaterloo’s love-hate relationship with their geese, many have applauded this “radical gesture of peace.”

“I think it’s great!” said a second-year student on her way to Introduction to Environmental and Planning Law.

Although the masterminds behind this Valentine’s Day gift have not revealed themselves, it can only be assumed they hoped to use their assets to spread some goose love to the city of Waterloo. Unfortunately, as usual, all of the geese remained on UWaterloo’s campus.

Were you able to snap a photo of a Valentine Goose today? E-mail your photos to thewaterloohonk [at] gmail [dot] com, subject line: The Honk Valentine’s Photo Contest.

Preteens Hunt Zombies in Waterloo Sewers

After a four day man-hunt Waterloo police have found three adolescents in the storm sewer near Silver Lake on the edge of Uptown Waterloo. A senior officer on the case described it as “bizarre”, “odd”, and “somehow not surprising.”

The police knocking on doors, posting ‘lost’ notices and rewards. A mother of one of the lost preteens said to The Honk “it was like loosing your cat. Only worse. Like losing a really big cat that you love a lot!”

Dressed in fantasy inspired costumes the preteens descended into the sewers in search of “gold coins, enchanted weapons and armour, and some ‘sick’ monsters to kill”. The adolescents said they had no fears because they had “a well rounded party with an elemental mage, a Halfling thief and an elf ranger.”

“After all those role-playing video games came out earlier in 2012, like Skyrim and Diablo III, we’ve been expecting some sorta extreme reaction from their fan base,” said Officer Isaac Michaels. “Somehow they keep thinking that strangers in bars will give them ‘quests,’ and now they’re fighting zombies in sewers? Kids these days have a real hard time distinguishing reality and fiction.”