FEDS Offer Reward to Goose-smashing Audi Driver

Silly Goose 1

An evil Waterloo goose gnawing his way into a class he didn’t pay for. (Photo credit: Floccinaucinihilipilification)

After returning from Reading Week, University of Waterloo’s Federation of Students (FEDS) have begun the search for a careless Audi driver. Unlike local police, however, the FEDS want to give the driver an award.

The driver, mentioned in a police report published in last Monday’s Record, hit a lamppost in Cambridge which caused at least dozens of dollars in damage, and inconvenienced other drivers by making the lamppost look “odd”, according a Cambridge native. After speeding out of Cambridge, the same car was seen driving recklessly across UW Campus. The drive killed two geese and inadvertently ploughed a useful path across St. Paul’s Green.

“We’re over all pretty pleased,” said a spokesperson for FEDS, “It’s getting close to spring, and the geese are starting to return. It’s time we took a stand and claimed what’s rightfully ours. As soon as the snow melts Waterloo’s campus will become a full out warzone. I’ve literally seen full grown grad students reduced to tears because a mother goose is blocking the stairs to the library.”

A group of vigilante students going by the name of The Coalition of Students Against Unlawful Goose Occupation called for a more extreme follow up action. On the list of ideas they submitted to a joint FEDS and UW council was a plan to mount the dead goose heads on spikes around campus. Both the FEDS and the University unanimously vetoed the proposal, citing possible reprisals against students come nesting season.

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