Zombie Filibuster Protests Against Video Game Association

The slightly confused, but admiringly dedicated Zombie Defender, known on twitter as ZOMBI_BUSTER, has been tweeting passionately all day, hoping to gain a following of filabusters.

At 9pm last night, The Waterloo Gaming Association held their monthly meeting to discuss the pros and cons of first person shooter zombie games. Ten minutes into a discussion on the logistics of hand-to-hand combat in The Last Of Us, a zombie entered the cafe, limped over to the table, and began preaching incessantly in defense of zombies.

“Of course, when you see a zombie in real life, it’s uh, it’s alarming,” said Gaming Association president Mike Snuff. “His timing couldn’t have been better though. One of us had just claimed that in real life, it would be impossible to kill a zombie with your bare hands, and then it’s like oh s***. There’s a real zombie here. Now what.”

After a few moments of panic, the situation became clear. The Zombie was merely  there for a peaceful protest. A filibusting. “He seemed to be under a misunderstanding that we were actually preparing for a zombie apocalypse, and that we should stop. We tried to explain to him that it was all cool, we’re just gamers, but every time we spoke he would do that zombie moan thing until we stopped. It was super effective.”

The young man, appearing in full zombie-wear, ‘took to the floor’ at 9:12pm and began what has now been a nearly 15 hour long speech in defense of zombies. It is clear to most that this Zombie’s actions, although perversely admirable, do not actually line up with typical filibusting procedure. By definition, filibusting is a long speech used to procrastinate or oppose a controversial bill. Although the Canadian government does on occasion discuss real zombie issues, the Gaming Association of Waterloo exclusively deals with video games.

Zombi-buster, as he has confusingly began referring to himself, seems to believe that he is opposing a real zombie attack plan. We asked Snuff for the gist of his argument: “What did he say? Oh man, it’s hard to remember, we got laughing so hard, and then we eventually got tired of it and decided to go home early and chat over Facebook. He said a lot about peace for all, treating your neighbour as yourself…at one point he got distracted and told us about his trashy housemates, I don’t know man. Like I know he wasn’t a real zombie, but it was still kind of awesome.”

Snuff later added, “Oh and he has a twitter account! He paused for a 3 minute groan session to set it up, and then spent 4 minutes begging us to follow him, and promote his hashtag.”

As of right now, June 26 4:40pm, the anonymous filibuster is reportedly still filibusting in the Waterloo Public Square. If you spot ZOMBIBUSTER, send  your photos or updates to our twitter account @thewaterloohonk. And be sure to follow @ZOMBI_BUSTER himself on twitter, who appears to be trying to make #ZOMBIBUSTING a thing.

When I say Zombie, YOU SAY BBLLLUUUURRRRHHHHHFFFFFF… Zombie! #ZOMBIBUSTING

— Zombi Buster (@ZOMBI_BUSTER) June 26, 2013

I believe in compassionate acceptance of all humanoids regardless of race, gender, or dietary preferences. #ZOMBIBUSTING

— Zombi Buster (@ZOMBI_BUSTER) June 26, 2013

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHrrrrrrrrr #ZOMBIBUSTING

— Zombi Buster (@ZOMBI_BUSTER) June 26, 2013

Stay safe out there Waterloo!

UWaterloo Officially Named Canada’s Least Sexy Campus

For 93 glorious years, The University of Waterloo has proudly bore the title of Canada’s Most Innovative University. This year Stats Canada (not to be confused with Statistics Canada) was delighted to add several new categories to the Canada-wide University Rating System, including Brightest Gardens, Weirdest Collection of Statues, and Least Aggressive Mascot. UWaterloo managed to scoop up one of the newest awards for themselves: Canada’s Least Sexy Campus.

According to extensive research, there are a lot of people in this photo, and almost none of them are sexy.   (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Upon hearing the news, we partnered with Stats Canada for this Waterloo Honk exclusive: What do Canada’s least sexy students think of their new title?

A group of Civil Engineers cheered uproariously upon reading the news on Twitter. “Hell yes this place is gross! Our buildings suck! And apparently they nixed that “Rent a Nap Room” idea? Dickwads.”

This misconception was a common one, but Greg Gourd, a fictitious character and Innovator of Stats at Stats Canada, clarifies: “Oh no, the award is definitely not for the buildings on campus. It’s for the people. Had it been for the buildings we might have another story on our hands. Isn’t there a statue of two naked people mid-air in that brain building?”

Indeed there is. However, when we ventured onto Canada’s Official Least Sexy Campus yesterday, we discovered that almost nobody was surprised.

“Sounds about right,” laughed one Kinesiology student on his way to have lunch at Laurier.

One English major told the Honk that whether the award was for buildings or people her response remained the same: “It’s the eclectic mix of the strange and the untamed that gives this place its charm.” Her anonymous friend added “What does sexy even mean, man? Words are just barriers, and f*#! yes you can quote me on that.”

Deviant hottie and Liberal Arts major, Ronda Smith, smirked and said, “You just need to know where to look.” She was later seen entering Hagey Hall.

Stats Canada believes that it is the lack of sexiness has forced many into the always busy 9 library branches on campus. Mr. Gourd hypothesizes that many UWaterloo students are able to redirect more of their energy to worthwhile tasks, such as creating innovative structures out of empty beer cans or studying.

When we asked Mr. Gourd about the process of determining title of Least Sexy Campus, he answered, “You know how Google can’t reveal the secret of their algorithm because they’re afraid someone will copy it? Exactly the same principle applies here. But know this: It was a very thorough investigation. We are 100% sure Waterloo is the least sexy.”

In the words of one Computational Mathematics student, upon hearing the news, “LOL.”

Do not lose hope Waterloo. Following an emergency town hall meeting, a solution has been found. The University of Waterloo will be taking matters into their own homely hands, once again, by creating an infographic to save the day. Keep your eyes out for the release of “How To Avoid The Title of Least Sexy Campus” in the next week.

The Waterloo Honk wants to know: Do you think The University of Waterloo deserves the title of Least Sexy Campus in Canada or not?

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This satirical article is not affiliated with The University of Waterloo, Stats Canada, or Statistics Canada in any way, shape, or form. It exists purely as a piece of delightful fiction to provide entertainment and commentary for your enjoyment. For more hysterical commentary, check out the also satirical Stats Canada twitter feed.