Mars ONE Will Take Every UWaterloo Student to Mars

E3 building, where it now stands, under the fiery glow of a passing meteor on Mars. Image adapted using photography of Victawr

E3 building, where it now stands, under the fiery glow of a passing meteor on Mars. Image adapted using the photography of Victawr

One Waterloo alum may soon be sharing his star-stuck reality with 36 thousand other students at the University of Waterloo. The UWaterloo grad Ken Bringer has been shortlisted for a one-way trip to Mars, where lucky participants will set up a colony to conduct valuable research.

“Everyone should come to Mars,” he famously said. “Well at least everyone from The University of Waterloo!”

Mars One seems to have taken his words to heart.

“He seems great, why not take the whole university?”

Innovation at it’s finest

“I figured it was the most innovative thing I could possibly do,” said the University itself, the first talking university of its kind. “If anyone is hesitant about the move, I’m sure they’ll forget all their worries once they stand beneath a raging meteor, casting its beautiful glow upon the Mars horizon.”

The University later added that no geese will be transferred to the new location on Mars.

Timeline

When the first wave of humans leave for Mars in 2024, all of the 3rd and 4th year UW students will join them. Staff will spend the majority of 2023 preparing buildings for the journey – mainly digging out their foundations and applying a space proof spray to the windows. Classes will run as normal during this time.

What does this mean for future students at The University of Waterloo? Well first of all a free trip to Mars! Don’t worry, all of your favourite professors will be there, due to a binding space travel clause in their contracts. Oxygen-enabled dorm accommodations will be available at a slightly increased cost. However it is highly recommended that you live in an oxygen-enabled campus dorm for the “full university experience.”

All those who chose to seek accommodations off campus will welcome to attend all student socials, for as long as they survive.

“I’m pretty proud of myself,” says the University. “Without my tuition fees, it wouldn’t be feasible to send anyone to Mars! Plus we already have Chris Hadfield, so we might as well.”

Disadvantages

Unfortunately, as of now, Mars credits will not be transferable to Earth institutions. But you won’t be able to afford a trip back for decades anyway, so it’s fine.

What do you think of the change? Will you be prolonging your university experience to include space travel?

Cambridge Speaks Out, “I’m sick of being a third wheel”

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No matter how many obscurely detailed statues it builds, Cambridge can’t seem to attract the attention of KW. (Photo by JustSomePics)

Some call it the “Tri-City area,” some call it “KW,” and someone’s feeling a little left out.

“Ever since I became an official city in 1973 I’ve been trying to inch closer to Kitchener and Waterloo. Sure they say I’m one of them, but the truth is clear. They’ve always been closer.”

The official Tri-City motto is: A fine place for business, a great place to call home. The lesser known KW motto is: The two best friends anyone could ask for.

When confronted by The Honk, Waterloo didn’t have much to say, besides “Cambridge just isn’t my type.” Its brief statement is especially poignant after Waterloo was named Canada’s 3rd Most Romantic City.

Kitchener seemed confused by the allegations and said, “I hate drama so I don’t want to get in the middle of this. But I will say if a city has a problem with me, I wish it would just tell me to my face instead of talking behind my back.”

“Whatever,” said Cambridge. “Everyone knows that the smarter you are, the more likely you are to be single.”

Rumours have been circulating about a partnership between Cambridge and Guelph, a potential CG area, but Guelph quickly shot down our inquiries.

“Cambridge wishes,” said Guelph.

Other municipalities in the Waterloo Region would prefer to stay out of it.

“Don’t even get me started,” said St.Jacobs.

What do you think? Should Cambridge move on, or should Kitchener-Waterloo get over themselves?

Mall Santa Quits, Says “Too Many Pervy Moms”

A Santa working for Conestoga Mall quit his job in front of crowds of children on Tuesday. Mr. Jack Rime simultaneously ripped off his beard and ruined dozens of childhood dreams while shouting some un-festive words.

By Kaz Andrew http://www.flickr.com/photos/kazandrew2/8246486755/

The struggle is very real for Ontario Mall Santas.

The Mall Santa said in a press statement later that “I could not deal with the constant advances made upon me. When I began this post I had no idea there were so many dirty Santa pick up lines. Now I know more than one lifetime’s worth.” According to Rime, frequently mothers taking their children to sit on his lap would make passes at him: whispering sexually explicit pick up lines in his ear, trying to sit on his lap, and even trying to jiggle his belly. “[The belly]’s fake, but it’s the principle of the thing,” said Mr. Rime.

Rick Laeta, head of the Union of Mall Santa’s (UMS) said that this is a perennial problem. “I once had a young mother lean very close to my head and, with peppermint on her breath, whisper ‘you can fill my stocking any night.’ I just had to smile and nod. Her three year-old was urinating on my lap at the time. It was one of the most humiliating experience of my life.”

Santa’s On Strike?

The UMS, and their principal union the Joint Operation of Yuletide Services, have threatened to strike in the past, with little avail. Malls say they they would be willing to hire scab Santas if the UMS & JOYS do follow through. For now the Mall Santas plan to grit their teeth and bear it. “It’s not as if we can stop Christmas from happening,” said Laeta, “Somehow or another Christmas will come all the same.”

What do you think? Have you ever made a pass at a Mall Santa?

Child-Owner’s License Required for Holiday Shopping

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A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism is the first in a series of informative pamphlets

If you plan to bring your children along for your last minute holiday shopping, you’ll need to get yourself a Holiday Child-Owner’s License from the City of Waterloo.

“Any child under the age of 13 must be accompanied by an adult, as well as the appropriate license,” explained Chair of the Waterloo Consumerism Association, Sheila Clusterman.

“In the past two weeks we’ve received thousands of complaints from local mall-goers regarding the number of unruly, holiday-crazed children. This was the only solution.”

There are 4 classes of licenses available: Baby License (0-24 months), Terrible Toddler License (2-4 years), School Aged (5-10 years), and Tween License (11-13 years). Candidates will have to pass a short 45 minute exam to ensure that their maturity level matches their claimed age. The test will measure ability to wait in line without shrieking, non-rolliness of shoes, and decibels of giggling.

“After extensive research, we decided that only the Toddlers and Tweens will require leashes. These will be available at Guest Services for a small fee,” says Clusterman.

In order to prepare parents for the challenges of holiday shopping with children, a series of informative pamphlets will be distributed: A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism, How to Go Shoe Shopping with your Toddler, When To Submit To A Temper-Tantrum, Keeping Your Tweens Under Control.

Don’t even think about trying to sneak your kids in without a license. “Mall Cops will be checking IDs at the door from now until Boxing Day,” says Clusterman.

The sudden new rules have rubbed some parents the wrong way. “It’s ridiculous,” says mother of four Pauline Penner. “I guess I’ll have to do all my Christmas shopping at independent boutiques and local artisan shops now,” she sighed.

Clusterman isn’t worried about losing profit. “With the $100 licensing fee, I think we’ll come out ahead.”

In order to make the legislation seem more festive, statues similar to the one pictured below will be erected in select Waterloo malls to promote the Child-Owners Holiday License.

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Will you be purchasing a Child-Owner’s License this year?

Caroline Street will be under construction ‘forever’ according to city

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Caroline St. now officially closed forever.

If you’re one of those people who hates driving down the Uptown stretch of King Street, it’s time to find yourself an alternate alternate route. And if you’re one of the pedestrians who dash in front of cars on King Street, please stop.

Caroline Street, which runs parallel to King Street in Uptown Waterloo, has been closed for construction since September 2014. According to a recent press release, that construction will be infinite.

“Yeah when we began the project, we knew it was nearly impossible,” admitted Joseph Schmo. “But now it’s official. Caroline St. simply can’t be fixed. It will be under construction forever.”

“Forever and ever,” he elaborated later.

The construction budget of $818 million was initially a point of conflict for Waterloo citizens. Now many are concerned that the money will not be enough to sustain the project until the end of time.

Schmo isn’t worried. “It’s just me and a few of my buddies. As far as I’m concerned $818 million is plenty.”

A handful of Waterloo citizens have questioned the permanence of the project. Henry Krinkle says, “I can think of worse ways to spend $818 million, I mean, it’s making jobs right? I just want to know what they’ll be working on. Isn’t that where that little train rail thing was supposed to go?”

Many alternate routes have been proposed by the city, the most convenient being: Euclid Street, Regina Street, or the Iron Horse Trail.

What route will you take from now until the end of time? How do you feel about street construction?

New Waterloo Vice-President “Knows Nothing”

Last Thursday the University of Waterloo sent an email announcing a new appointment, however newly appointed University of Waterloo Vice-President Bob Crow apparently “knows nothing.”

Medieval Studies student Rose Grit said to The Waterloo Honk, “It’s just a feeling I have. I mean I’m sure I’ll like him, but I think he knows nothing.” This was a feeling that was shared by several other students in the Classics and Medieval Studies lounge. Meanwhile the news did not appear to have spread to the International Development students. Danielle Targair said “Crow? Bob Crow? Haven’t heard of him. Isn’t he from up north somewhere? Weird. My step brother’s name is Bob Crow, but obviously it’s not him.”

The accusations appear unfounded, Mr. Crow has served in many esteemed positions and two Masters degrees. Mr. Crow has yet to respond to the accusation that he lacks knowledge, however President Hamdullahpur said in a press statement on Wednesday that Mr. Crow “will be a light-bringer to this institution.”

Rocket Ship Proposed for Kitchener’s Victoria Park

Kitchener city planners are preparing to draft a proposal to replace the famous clock tower in Victoria Park. “The clock tower is getting old, and we want the younger generation to get excited about Kitchener’s innovative environment, so we’re proposing a replacement,” said Kitchener city Councillor, Frank Etherington.

An artist's rendering of the future rocket ship

An artist’s rendering of the future rocket ship

City planners want to replace the clock tower with a fully-operational rocket ship launchpad.
Councillors said they were surprised at the feedback received during early public consultations. “Most people weren’t happy about it,” said a public employee.

Councillors say that the rocket ship is a part of a long term strategy to make Kitchener one of the most innovative cities in the world. “When we built the new city hall back in 1993, we purposely designed it so that it could be transformed into a spaceship docking station once the technology was available,” claimed one city Councillor. “It just makes sense that Victoria Park would be the launchpad for space travel.”

No current plans for space travel
If you like the sound of rocket ships, you’ll still have to wait to ride one. Planners don’t expect the rocket ship to be operational for a few years. However, the provincial government is on board for the project and has promised one-way trips to Mars bi-annually starting 2024.