Three days ago, Southern Ontario entered what some are calling “the most drastic legume emergency in a decade.” There are no chick peas left anywhere south of Perry Sound. Millions of Ontarians are affected, as chick peas are the number one source of essential mineral, copitivan, in this area. Today the answer became clear. Laurier is to blame for the chick pea outage.
The disastrous chick pea situation has bewildered North America’s leading bio-sociologists, who have spent the past week traveling to all the affected cities. After only a few hours of analysis in Waterloo, they uncovered the answer. Laurier has eaten all the chick peas in Southern Ontario.
Students ate thousands of tonnes of chick peas, unknowingly
On Janurary 28th 2013, Laurier University declared a state of Veganism Emergency, and immediately stopped serving meat and animal by-products on campus. Although the Meatless 2013 caused a moderate amount of upset, it seems the majority of students didn’t even notice that they had been tricked into becoming vegans.
Facts are still being unearthed, but it appears that Laurier replaced all their meat ingredients with chick pea paste.
Ontarians need chick peas to protect elbows
“It’s unrealistic to think that Ontarians can survive without chick peas,” said leading health expert from Eat Right Southern Ontario. “There are literally no other sources of copitivan in existence.” Jim from Eat Right was unable to release any official information on the health impact of copitivan, but he did suggest that every single Southern Ontarian will be experiencing increased hair loss, ear growth, and “saggy elbows” thanks to Laurier’s irresponsible legume behaviour.
Thanks a lot Laurier.
So what are Southern Ontarians supposed to do now? Rumors suggested that Perry Sound grocery stores are selling the coveted at mark-ups 10 to 15 times higher than usual. That’s always an option.
Is there a silver lining to this horror story?
The Eat Right Ontario chick pea information page recently went viral. Although the site is glad for the new 1,000 hits per minute, they regret that their internet fame came at such a cost. Eat Right Ontario is very disappointed with Laurier University, for their irresponsible behaviour.
“I just hope the rest of Canada can forgive Laurier for what they’ve done,” was Eat Right Southern Ontario’s official statement on the issue.
Like many Waterloo locals, we hope Laurier’s new reputation for chick pea hoarding won’t cast a negative shadow on our otherwise socially-responsible city.
When asked how Ontarians should deal with our copitivan deficiencies, Jim from Eat Right was at a loss: “God help us all.”