$500K in Damages After UW Engineering Student’s Ego Inflates, Explodes

Yesterday afternoon the ego of a 1st year electrical engineering student inflated to the point of explosion, causing $500K in damages to the Douglas Wright building at University of Waterloo.

No one was physically harmed in the explosion.

Tyler Wright’s Last Words

Engineers use gears to make stuff sometimes. Photo by Diacritica (Own work), via Wikimedia Commons

Engineers use gears to make stuff sometimes. Photo by Diacritica (Own work), via Wikimedia Commons

His last words before exploding? “You’ll see! I’ll get a job right after graduating and I’ll make 10 times as much as you,” he shrieked to his Chemistry professor, unprovoked.

“As soon as he mentioned how much money he would make after graduation, I knew his ego was about to explode,” says hero Dr. Robert Wing. “I’ve seen explosions like this before, at least a  couple times every semester. He was exhibiting all the warning signs.”

The 45 year-old professor was alarmed when his student started yelling in the middle of his lecture on Bioinorganics.

“I’d never seen him before.” In fact, records show that he regularly skipped class to binge-watch Entourage.

Damage Sustained to the Arts

The majority of the damage was contained to a priceless work of abstract art in which Tyler Wright punched a hole. He screamed, “a five year old could have made this,” and blew a loud raspberry at it before fleeing the scene.

Engineer Ego Epidemic

“The ego explosion is inevitable, when you think of the contributing compounds. These kids are told that if they want to be successful in life, all they have to do is take engineering courses. They believe that all of them will get high-paying, low-stress jobs immediately upon graduating – even in what is now a completely oversaturated job market. Add in their young age and general air of entitlement? Hell, I wish there was an engineering job out there for me,” says The Chemistry Professor.

Tyler Wright was unharmed in the explosion but was unavailable for comment. However one of our staff members saw him rage-dropping tomatoes at the grocery store this morning.

Do you know an Engineering student in danger?

If an engineering student exhibits any 3 of the following signs, he or she may be in danger of an ego explosion:

  • Refers to self as “an engineer” before graduation
  • Only hangs out with other engineers, or Arts students “if they’re hot”
  • Constantly complaining about having to study while making fun of other faculties for never studying
  • Misogyny
  • Feels no concern for future, in spite of engineer job drought
  • Tells his friends that his 1st co-op made him “feel really important”
  • Knows ring size by heart
  • Refers to every elective as a bird course
  • Doesn’t believe in “The Wage Gap”
  • Doesn’t believe in “grammar”
  • Draws genitalia anywhere and everywhere
  • Incessant diarrhea

Remember, not all engineers have experienced these symptoms. Some are brilliant shining stars of humility and well-researched job prospects. But if you see someone in danger of explosion, do not approach them. Make sure the student has a clear escape route, then back away slowly and speak in commanding tones. Do not run, as this may trigger an egotistical response in the student. Do not climb trees as engineering students are expert tree climbers.

Stay safe out there kids.

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