Mall Santa Quits, Says “Too Many Pervy Moms”

A Santa working for Conestoga Mall quit his job in front of crowds of children on Tuesday. Mr. Jack Rime simultaneously ripped off his beard and ruined dozens of childhood dreams while shouting some un-festive words.

The struggle is very real for Ontario Mall Santas.

The Mall Santa said in a press statement later that “I could not deal with the constant advances made upon me. When I began this post I had no idea there were so many dirty Santa pick up lines. Now I know more than one lifetime’s worth.” According to Rime, frequently mothers taking their children to sit on his lap would make passes at him: whispering sexually explicit pick up lines in his ear, trying to sit on his lap, and even trying to jiggle his belly. “[The belly]’s fake, but it’s the principle of the thing,” said Mr. Rime.

Rick Laeta, head of the Union of Mall Santa’s (UMS) said that this is a perennial problem. “I once had a young mother lean very close to my head and, with peppermint on her breath, whisper ‘you can fill my stocking any night.’ I just had to smile and nod. Her three year-old was urinating on my lap at the time. It was one of the most humiliating experience of my life.”

Santa’s On Strike?

The UMS, and their principal union the Joint Operation of Yuletide Services, have threatened to strike in the past, with little avail. Malls say they they would be willing to hire scab Santas if the UMS & JOYS do follow through. For now the Mall Santas plan to grit their teeth and bear it. “It’s not as if we can stop Christmas from happening,” said Laeta, “Somehow or another Christmas will come all the same.”

What do you think? Have you ever made a pass at a Mall Santa?

Child-Owner’s License Required for Holiday Shopping

A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism is the first in a series of informative pamphlets

If you plan to bring your children along for your last minute holiday shopping, you’ll need to get yourself a Holiday Child-Owner’s License from the City of Waterloo.

“Any child under the age of 13 must be accompanied by an adult, as well as the appropriate license,” explained Chair of the Waterloo Consumerism Association, Sheila Clusterman.

“In the past two weeks we’ve received thousands of complaints from local mall-goers regarding the number of unruly, holiday-crazed children. This was the only solution.”

There are 4 classes of licenses available: Baby License (0-24 months), Terrible Toddler License (2-4 years), School Aged (5-10 years), and Tween License (11-13 years). Candidates will have to pass a short 45 minute exam to ensure that their maturity level matches their claimed age. The test will measure ability to wait in line without shrieking, non-rolliness of shoes, and decibels of giggling.

“After extensive research, we decided that only the Toddlers and Tweens will require leashes. These will be available at Guest Services for a small fee,” says Clusterman.

In order to prepare parents for the challenges of holiday shopping with children, a series of informative pamphlets will be distributed: A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism, How to Go Shoe Shopping with your Toddler, When To Submit To A Temper-Tantrum, Keeping Your Tweens Under Control.

Don’t even think about trying to sneak your kids in without a license. “Mall Cops will be checking IDs at the door from now until Boxing Day,” says Clusterman.

The sudden new rules have rubbed some parents the wrong way. “It’s ridiculous,” says mother of four Pauline Penner. “I guess I’ll have to do all my Christmas shopping at independent boutiques and local artisan shops now,” she sighed.

Clusterman isn’t worried about losing profit. “With the $100 licensing fee, I think we’ll come out ahead.”

In order to make the legislation seem more festive, statues similar to the one pictured below will be erected in select Waterloo malls to promote the Child-Owners Holiday License.

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Will you be purchasing a Child-Owner’s License this year?

Caroline Street will be under construction ‘forever’ according to city

Caroline St. now officially closed forever.

If you’re one of those people who hates driving down the Uptown stretch of King Street, it’s time to find yourself an alternate alternate route. And if you’re one of the pedestrians who dash in front of cars on King Street, please stop.

Caroline Street, which runs parallel to King Street in Uptown Waterloo, has been closed for construction since September 2014. According to a recent press release, that construction will be infinite.

“Yeah when we began the project, we knew it was nearly impossible,” admitted Joseph Schmo. “But now it’s official. Caroline St. simply can’t be fixed. It will be under construction forever.”

“Forever and ever,” he elaborated later.

The construction budget of $818 million was initially a point of conflict for Waterloo citizens. Now many are concerned that the money will not be enough to sustain the project until the end of time.

Schmo isn’t worried. “It’s just me and a few of my buddies. As far as I’m concerned $818 million is plenty.”

A handful of Waterloo citizens have questioned the permanence of the project. Henry Krinkle says, “I can think of worse ways to spend $818 million, I mean, it’s making jobs right? I just want to know what they’ll be working on. Isn’t that where that little train rail thing was supposed to go?”

Many alternate routes have been proposed by the city, the most convenient being: Euclid Street, Regina Street, or the Iron Horse Trail.

What route will you take from now until the end of time? How do you feel about street construction?