September School Opening in Question, but Not Why You Think

Waterloo Region Schools may not be opening on September 8th as planned, but the reason is surprising, and a little odd. It’s not because of potential teacher’s union action, or because of the eternal construction. No. It’s because too many students may still be grieving One Direction’s ‘hiatus.’

Psychologists recommend keeping broken-hearted children home

Stephen Harper was visibly devastated at the news of One Direction’s 2016 hiatus. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Adrian Wyld

The Waterloo Honk spoke with musicologist, psychologist, and boybandologist Dr. Jackson Osmonds of The University of Waterloo’s new Celebrity Faculty. “When boy bands break up, or ‘go on hiatus,’ it can have a very damaging effect on the tiny underdeveloped brains of youngsters. Their lives, their very world view, is crumbling around them. People often think of things like graduation, marriage, etcetera as being significant life events. Our research is showing that when the de jure boy band dissolves it’s a damaging developmental event. We should definitely coddle these heart-broken children. Show them pictures of soft, cuddly, non-threatening looking people or things. Perhaps wombats wearing those little ballerina skirts. Or some beautiful per-pubescent youth holding a hedgehog.”

When Osmonds was asked what he thought the impact the heart-break would have on the pre-teens as school begins he said: “school is the last place they should be at this time. Right now thinking will be very difficult for any pre-teen undergoing boy band induced heart-break. Thinking critically would be very painful for their splodgy, hormone-addled little cerebrums. Writing, for example, would be difficult, not just because the incessant sobbing makes it hard to see, but also because most standard issue inks begin to run when exposed to tears.”

Dr. Osmonds and his research group are meeting with the Region School Board tomorrow to give expect advice regarding school closures.

Stephen Harper commits Canada to joint task force

As soon as the band confirmed their one year hiatus Prime Minster Stephen Harper took a break from campaigning somewhere outside Lindsay, Ontario to announced that Canadian specialists were joining an international task force to aid grieving pre-teens with the end of their collective crush.

“Canadians did not invent the threat of boy band heart-break, and we certainly did not invite it. We, as Canadians, are proud to give our values, families, and strength with the world. In fact, among the nations of the world, we have been one of the biggest providers of heart-break relief assistance.”

The PM finished his speech by pumping his fist in the air and yelling “Canada Strong!” while trying to get the gathered reporters to join him.

“As the king of Stephen Harper’s Canada, I’m putting out an open call to Justin Bieber. Justin, it’s time to do your due diligence to Stephen Harper’s Canada. Work the magic of your beautiful boy band hair, and promise to visit each and every heart-broken tween. Please Justin. Stephen Harper’s Canada needs you now more than ever, for the first time.”

The Waterloo Honk wants to know: would you send your pre-teen to school if they are 1D heart-broken?

Public Transit Claims Rider’s Dignity

This winter the motion sensor doors, installed on many Grand River Transit buses, have claimed another victim: the dignity of some riders.

“It was embarrassing”

Ahmed Matherson, 43, requested a stop, and proceeded towards the backdoor. When the bus pulled up to his stop he waved his hand in front of the door, moved it up and down with his palm open, and even pushed on the green sign, all to no avail. The bus moved on and the same thing happened at the next stop, and the next. A line of people all trying to get off grew behind him. “It was embarrassing. I felt embarrassed by my door incompetence,” said Matherson, “I started to doubt my own existence, you know? If I can’t operate a motion sensor door, am I a real person? Do I have agency? It was a really dark moment for me.”

From the Public Transit Board of Ontario 2009 report on Existentialism among riders. Recent polls indicate numbers may be higher than shown.

Existential Crises

Matherson, it seems, is not alone. A 2009 report published by the Public Transit Board of Ontario has shown that GRT riders show a higher than normal levels of existentialism among riders in comparison to other cities in Ontario. The Tri-City area scored a whopping 13 on the Camus-Hamlet Scale of Transit Induced Existentialism. The next closest transit area was Greater Sudbury with a score of 10. Oddly, the Owen Sound Transit system scored only 2.5, indicating either it’s riders are more mentally resilient, or simply that it is not used. Dr. Maria Goldbaum of the Lyle S. Hallman School of Social Work at WLU told The Honk “I dealt with many existential breakdowns, on a monthly basis, all through the winter. So much so that I have developed Motion Sensor Therapy.” The therapy mainly involves walking through the main door of Dr. Goldbaum’s office, but she says she also plans on working with a motion activated light she found in a basement washroom. “These are very exciting times in Motion Sensor Therapy!”

GRT Response

This is not the first time people have been stuck on a GRT bus because of dysfunctional doors. Two years ago 23 people were trapped for several hours on a bus. No one was available for comment from the GRT, but they did say in a generic email that the motion sensor doors are slowly being replaced by doors with push bars, which they hope will alleviate the problem. Matherson, however, is not as hopeful. “What’s the use of it all?”

What do you think? We’d love to hear from you, just write out your thoughts in the comment section below.

Kanye West to Graduate from Wilfrid Laurier University

Dr. Max demonstrating some of the other cool things that occur at WLU

The Honourary Degrees Committee made the announcement on Thursday that Kanye West, popular R&B artist, will be receiving an honourary Doctorate of Letters from Wilfrid Laurier University at this spring’s convocation. The Doctorate of Letters, or D.Litt. is an honourary doctor that is considered to be the equivalent or even more prestigious than a Ph.D.

The rapper famously dropped out of college after only one semester to start a career in hip-hop and rap, gaining both wealth and fame far beyond what he could have done had he graduated with a Bachelor of Arts. His hit debut album was titled “College Dropout” and is largely self-referential.

Laurier student body remains unsure
Mr. West’s honourary degree has caused some concern amongst Laurier’s President, Max Blouw, who said in a Youtube video released on Friday that “inspiring lives can be hip too. We must hop on the cool train!” Students on the other hand, appear to be apathetic. When asked how he felt about the news music major Ralph Gonzolato simply shrugged his shoulders and said “I suppose he’s cool. I’m more into the Bach Sonatas right now.” Waterloo Honk reporters also asked several students dancing at Phils, but did not get an audible response.

Dr. Yeezus in prestigious company
Other recipients of the a D.Litt from the Wilfred Laurier University include local artist Woldemar Neufeld, actor Colm Feore and author Joseph Boyden. Mike Duffy and Pamela Wallin, both recently disgraced politician have also recieved D.Litt degrees from Laurier University. The Waterloo Honk attempted to contact Mr. Duffy, but was informed he will be “unavailable for comment” for an indeterminate amount of time. His receptionist did say that Mr. Duffy would be happy to add her name to his current public works project, the “Duffy says hi” website, provided it did not already appear.

At this time it is unclear whether or not Dr. West will teach classes at the University, although some have speculated that the University may follow the University of Missouri and allow the newly minted ‘Dr. Yeezy’ to teach a class about himself.

Miles of Secret Tunnels Unearthed By Pothole in Waterloo

One man’s sandbox is another man’s entrance into a 14 mile long underground tunnel (Photo credit: http://roadcyclinguk.com/)

Waterloo’s pothole “problem” has generated a lot of upset in the past few months. But Waterloo residents might be pleased to hear that one pothole has uncovered one of the most exciting discoveries the city has made since inventing the Euro. As of this morning it’s official: 14 miles of underground tunnels have been discovered below the city of Waterloo.

We spoke with the woman who made the discovery, Lori Larsen, a savvy librarian and proud mother of 3. “The kids had been using the pothole as a sandbox for the past few summers, just work with what you have, you know? Well this year we decided to convert the thing into a wading pool instead, and boy did we get a surprise!”

While trying to dig up the accumulation of sand and asphalt from the small pit, Lori pushed through the top layer of a mysterious tunnel – only one meter below the surface of the earth.

“I dare near fell right through!”

Pothole theories abound

While the origin and purpose of the Waterloo Tunnels remains a mystery to scholars and public service officers alike, many theories have arisen. The Waterloo Historic Society posists that the tunnels were dug by Abraham Erb, the first settler in the area, to transport illicit German erotica to St. Jacobs. Contrasting this theory, the rival Historical Society of Waterloo says that they are most likely bunkers built by residents of the town during to War of 1812 to hide their cider and quilts from rampaging Americans.

Meanwhile a group of student historians and archaeologists from Laurier posit these tunnels are the remains of “Old Waterloo,” a little known mythical city from the past. Many others believe the tunnels are proof of alien life forms, while still others fear that Kitchener is trying to infiltrate Waterloo from the bottom up.

No matter the reason, employees of the City of Waterloo are currently excavating the tunnels to determine their safety, and the plausibility of utilizing this new space in a productive way.

“Perhaps an underground shopping centre, or a new chain of mud spas,” says Devin Sharp, project manager. “Whatever the case, we are grateful that Lori and her family nurtured their pothole so lovingly in order to give the City of Waterloo this gift.”

For the time being, residents of Waterloo are strongly discouraged from exploring the tunnels on their own. “The structure just isn’t safe enough yet, and we haven’t completely ruled out the alien life form theory. But sit tight Waterloo, there are plans in the works for a free walking tour [of the tunnels] by June 2014.”

Would you be interested in participating in a walking tour of Waterloo’s Tunnel Network? Let us know in the comments.

 

UWaterloo Officially Named Canada’s Least Sexy Campus

For 93 glorious years, The University of Waterloo has proudly bore the title of Canada’s Most Innovative University. This year Stats Canada (not to be confused with Statistics Canada) was delighted to add several new categories to the Canada-wide University Rating System, including Brightest Gardens, Weirdest Collection of Statues, and Least Aggressive Mascot. UWaterloo managed to scoop up one of the newest awards for themselves: Canada’s Least Sexy Campus.

According to extensive research, there are a lot of people in this photo, and almost none of them are sexy.   (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Upon hearing the news, we partnered with Stats Canada for this Waterloo Honk exclusive: What do Canada’s least sexy students think of their new title?

A group of Civil Engineers cheered uproariously upon reading the news on Twitter. “Hell yes this place is gross! Our buildings suck! And apparently they nixed that “Rent a Nap Room” idea? Dickwads.”

This misconception was a common one, but Greg Gourd, a fictitious character and Innovator of Stats at Stats Canada, clarifies: “Oh no, the award is definitely not for the buildings on campus. It’s for the people. Had it been for the buildings we might have another story on our hands. Isn’t there a statue of two naked people mid-air in that brain building?”

Indeed there is. However, when we ventured onto Canada’s Official Least Sexy Campus yesterday, we discovered that almost nobody was surprised.

“Sounds about right,” laughed one Kinesiology student on his way to have lunch at Laurier.

One English major told the Honk that whether the award was for buildings or people her response remained the same: “It’s the eclectic mix of the strange and the untamed that gives this place its charm.” Her anonymous friend added “What does sexy even mean, man? Words are just barriers, and f*#! yes you can quote me on that.”

Deviant hottie and Liberal Arts major, Ronda Smith, smirked and said, “You just need to know where to look.” She was later seen entering Hagey Hall.

Stats Canada believes that it is the lack of sexiness has forced many into the always busy 9 library branches on campus. Mr. Gourd hypothesizes that many UWaterloo students are able to redirect more of their energy to worthwhile tasks, such as creating innovative structures out of empty beer cans or studying.

When we asked Mr. Gourd about the process of determining title of Least Sexy Campus, he answered, “You know how Google can’t reveal the secret of their algorithm because they’re afraid someone will copy it? Exactly the same principle applies here. But know this: It was a very thorough investigation. We are 100% sure Waterloo is the least sexy.”

In the words of one Computational Mathematics student, upon hearing the news, “LOL.”

Do not lose hope Waterloo. Following an emergency town hall meeting, a solution has been found. The University of Waterloo will be taking matters into their own homely hands, once again, by creating an infographic to save the day. Keep your eyes out for the release of “How To Avoid The Title of Least Sexy Campus” in the next week.

The Waterloo Honk wants to know: Do you think The University of Waterloo deserves the title of Least Sexy Campus in Canada or not?

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This satirical article is not affiliated with The University of Waterloo, Stats Canada, or Statistics Canada in any way, shape, or form. It exists purely as a piece of delightful fiction to provide entertainment and commentary for your enjoyment. For more hysterical commentary, check out the also satirical Stats Canada twitter feed.

Ontario runs out of chick peas: Laurier to blame

The president of Wilfrid Laurier University realizes what he’s done. (Photo credit: BiblioArchives / LibraryArchives)

Three days ago, Southern Ontario entered what some are calling “the most drastic legume emergency in a decade.” There are no chick peas left anywhere south of Perry Sound.  Millions of Ontarians are affected, as chick peas are the number one source of essential mineral, copitivan, in this area. Today the answer became clear. Laurier is to blame for the chick pea outage.

The disastrous chick pea situation has bewildered North America’s leading bio-sociologists, who have spent the past week traveling to all the affected cities. After only a few hours of analysis in Waterloo, they uncovered the answer. Laurier has eaten all the chick peas in Southern Ontario.

Students ate thousands of tonnes of chick peas, unknowingly

On Janurary 28th 2013, Laurier University declared a state of Veganism Emergency, and immediately stopped serving meat and animal by-products on campus. Although the Meatless 2013 caused a moderate amount of upset, it seems the majority of students didn’t even notice that they had been tricked into becoming vegans.

Facts are still being unearthed, but it appears that Laurier replaced all their meat ingredients with chick pea paste.

Ontarians need chick peas to protect elbows

“It’s unrealistic to think that Ontarians can survive without chick peas,” said leading health expert from Eat Right Southern Ontario. “There are literally no other sources of copitivan in existence.” Jim from Eat Right was unable to release any official information on the health impact of copitivan, but he did suggest that every single Southern Ontarian will be experiencing increased hair loss, ear growth, and “saggy elbows” thanks to Laurier’s irresponsible legume behaviour.

Thanks a lot Laurier.

So what are Southern Ontarians supposed to do now? Rumors suggested that Perry Sound grocery stores are selling the coveted at mark-ups 10 to 15 times higher than usual. That’s always an option.

Is there a silver lining to this horror story?

The Eat Right Ontario chick pea information page recently went viral. Although the site is glad for the  new 1,000 hits per minute, they regret that their internet fame came at such a cost. Eat Right Ontario is very disappointed with Laurier University, for their irresponsible behaviour.

“I just hope the rest of Canada can forgive Laurier for what they’ve done,” was Eat Right Southern Ontario’s official statement on the issue.

Like many Waterloo locals, we hope Laurier’s new reputation for chick pea hoarding won’t cast a negative shadow on our otherwise socially-responsible city.

When asked how Ontarians should deal with our copitivan deficiencies, Jim from Eat Right was at a loss: “God help us all.”

Laurier Student Wins 57 Free Coffees in a Row

Jennifer celebrating her 40th win (Photo credit: mikemac29)

It’s every Canadian’s dream: get trapped in a never-ending loop of free Tim Hortons coffee. Thanks to Roll Up the Rim, one Psychology student from Laurier University has struck gold 57 times in a row.

This morning Jennifer Goodwin redeemed her 50th free coffee from Tim Hortons, and sat down to study with some friends. That trip earned her 7 free coffee wins – the longest Roll Up the Rim streak to ever occur in under 3 hours.

“I had nothing else to do,” said Jennifer.

“We made her chug the last 3,” laughed her boyfriend Lawrence.

Jennifer will be taking a 2 day break from Canada’s favourite lottery, as she is currently in the hospital due to vomiting and chest pains. Doctors say she’ll be fine, and that a little gambling has never hurt anyone.

After her 6th coffee, we asked Jennifer if she’d ever gambled before. “This isn’t gambling. It’s not gambling. I just bought a coffee, it’s different, not gamble, no.” After a brief pause she added: “Canada!”

Jennifer has become a bit of a celebrity on campus. Hundreds of students have stopped updating their Facebook statuses every time they lose Roll Up, and are instead keeping a running tally of Jennifer’s wins.

“Everyone knows her now. It’s weird,” says Lawrence.

However, only 20 other students have won a Roll Up prize on campus. A small group of protesters have formed, saying that Jennifer’s natural luck has ruined the otherwise accurate “1 in 6 is a winner!” promise all Canadians look forward to.

But Jennifer doesn’t care. “Haters gonna, wait what newspaper did you say you were from?”

The Waterloo Honk would like to remind everyone to drink responsibly this Roll Up season.

We want to know: How many Roll Up the Rim coffees have you won? Alternatively, just post your twitter handle, and we’ll check your most recent tweets for the answer.

University of Waterloo cancels class from February 29-31 due to second D2L outage

The University of Waterloo’s online learning platform, Desire2Learn, will not be running during the three day span from February 29th-31st. As a result The University of Waterloo will not be holding classes during the three day LEARN outage.

Students will be unable to access course discussions, course readings, or assignment drop boxes, and will not be expected to attend class from February 29th-31st. The university will be mailing out informative guides on how to participate in face-to-face discussions, how to use outdated print resources such as encyclopedias and books, and how to find and use on-campus assignment drop-boxes.

This is the second LEARN problem of the year. Students were unable to access LEARN during the last 3 days of January, causing the phrase “F*** you LEARN” to trend briefly on Twitter. Hopefully this month students will find themselves better able to navigate their studies without the electronic helping hand of LEARN.

Laurier’s online learning platform, MyLearningSpace, will remain unaffected by the outage and classes will run according to schedule.

Laurier Food Services Go Vegan

Laurier students have not responded positively to the vegan alternatives now elusively offered on campus such as “Gourmet Mac & Fake Cheese Soup” pictured above.

On January 28th, Laurier Food Services converted to complete veganism in the name of obesity.

Effective immediately, no restaurants on campus will be allowed to serve any meat or animal by-products. The institution has declared a state of Veganism Emergency because of the alarming amount of fatty meat consumed by students and faculty.

Following in the footsteps of New York City, which recently banned size large soft drinks; Saskatchewan, which has banned the consumption of ice cream from a cone; and the entire East coast of Canada which has finally banned Ugg boots,  Laurier’s  limitation on meat consumption is just one of many steps towards a healthier North America.

Reactions from Laurier students were predominantly negative on campus today, with many refusing to pay extra for vegan alternatives such as Gourmet Mac & Fake Cheese Soup or Bean Burgers.

A first year business student employed by the on-campus sub shop says, “Of course people are going to be mad! I don’t care if it has the same amount of protein, a Sweet Onion Tofu Teriyaki sub just isn’t the same.”

Food Services isn’t backing down. “Meatless 2013” buttons, stickers, and car-flags have already been administered to approximately half of the Laurier student body. Spokesperson for the movement, named Heidi, cites a recent article published by The Canadian Journal of Science and Fat which sums up the reason for the Veganism Emergency: “It has recently been determined that the average piece of meat contains infinite times more fat than the average vegetable.”

“I truly believe that if everyone understood how easy veganism could be, and how much better they would feel about themselves, they would convert. We’re doing them a favour, really, by deciding for them. You’re welcome Laurier,” says Heidi.

How far do Heidi and Laurier Food Services plan to take this anti-obesity movement? “It’s our dream that local businesses will follow suit. Laurier’s made our contribution to Meatless 2013. Your move Waterloo.”

The idea of full veganism on campus was presented to students at the University of Waterloo, and was not accepted well. When asked on an online forum which allowed for anonymous responses, most reactions from Waterloo students were negative: “I f***ing hate weird vegetables.” “Total full out lawsuit.” “Their food is sh*t already.”

Heidi’s hope remains high for the movement: “Perhaps by the end of 2013, Waterloo will become the first fully vegan city in the world.”

Although The Waterloo Honk has been forced to remove all of Heidi’s contact information for safety reasons, we will pass along  any feedback left in the comment section.

What do you think: Can Waterloo convert to Veganism before the end of 2013?

Laurier Student Receives Life Sentence for Dumpster Diving

Laurier has spent the past 103 years cultivating an outstanding reputation within the greater Kitchener-Waterloo community. The small but vibrant group has become known for their stunning athletic achievements, elaborate peace conferences, and world-renowned school spirit. However after its most recent stunt in the media, Laurier has cultivated a very different reputation.

On the evening of January 20th, a third year Business student was apprehended in the parking lot of SuSu Sushi with a backpack full of stolen produce. He is just one member of Waterloo’s increasingly popular gang of thieves – who acquire food which has been discarded into green bins behind grocery stores. Insider members of the gang refer to themselves as “dumpster divers” or “gleaners.” Police refer to them as “criminals.”

“That food belongs in a landfill,” says the FreshLand stock boy who was responsible for disposing of the produce that night. “That’s why we put it in the garbage.”

Between the time spent at the dumpster and the time he was apprehended on his bike, the former Euler resident violated an appalling 16 bylaws. Due to the length of his trial, the jury voted to add the offence of Public Nuisance to his charge. Since this is his second charge of Public Nuisance this year, his sentence was automatically upgraded from a mere 20 years, to life.

Other charges on his impressively long list of violations include: trespassing, theft, reckless riding, fleeing from officers, biking without a valid driver’s license, suspected previous engagement in speed contests, unlicensed possession of laser, biking through a handicap access only parking space without a permit, neglecting to signal while making a right turn, and displaying a general air of “aloofness” concerning the law.

Police report that after finally catching up to him, he claimed he couldn’t hear their sirens over the sound of his music. His ipod was immediately confiscated. After investigation, police concluded he had been listening to an illegally downloaded version of “American Gangster” by the popular rap artist “Jay Z”, and added piracy to his list of violations.

Although the subject pleaded innocent to the charge of fleeing from officers, the jury decided that he “seemed like the type who had probably always wanted to be involved in a police chase.”

“There were a lot of tip-offs that this was not the kind of boy most Canadians would want to see wandering the streets ever again,” says jury member Stephen Minster. “He repeatedly exclaimed ‘This is outrageous’ and was constantly rolling his eyes. It was clear that he thought he was to good for the judicial system. But apparently not too good to eat out of the garbage.”

Many Canadians will be glad to know that this violator is no longer a threat to society. The convict is currently under intensive police watch, and will be allowed a maximum of 3 months to finish his current term of university and pack his things while living at his parents’ house in Waterloo. After this period he will be taken to The Correctional Centre for Abundant Bylaw Violators in Yellowknife, NWT.

Although rumors linger that gang has been active for years, this is the first instance of Waste Mongrel conviction to date. It leads one to wonder: how have hundreds, possibly thousands, of Waste Mongrels managed to elude police officers for so long?

We asked spokesperson for the Waterloo Police the same question. He refused to comment, saying that he had “more important matters to attend to than whether our garbage ends up in a landfill or in the bellies of a starving student.”

When asked about crime prevention strategies, police again refused to comment. The stock boy from FreshLand, on the other hand, had a lot to say.

“If the police aren’t going to take elaborative action, then FreshLand will. From now on, Freshland will be discarding all of their expired raw meat into the green bins along with the produce. I know Waste Mongrels, they’re desperate, they’ll take anything. If we can’t get them, the Salmonella will.”

It is our hope that Waste Mongrels, or “dumpster divers”, will emerge from their dark holes of deceit  and thievery long enough to read this article. Long enough to protect themselves from the impending doom that awaits them in the green bins of FreshLand. Be safe out there, kids.

What do you think of Dumpster Diving?