September School Opening in Question, but Not Why You Think

Waterloo Region Schools may not be opening on September 8th as planned, but the reason is surprising, and a little odd. It’s not because of potential teacher’s union action, or because of the eternal construction. No. It’s because too many students may still be grieving One Direction’s ‘hiatus.’

Psychologists recommend keeping broken-hearted children home

Stephen Harper was visibly devastated at the news of One Direction’s 2016 hiatus. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Adrian Wyld

The Waterloo Honk spoke with musicologist, psychologist, and boybandologist Dr. Jackson Osmonds of The University of Waterloo’s new Celebrity Faculty. “When boy bands break up, or ‘go on hiatus,’ it can have a very damaging effect on the tiny underdeveloped brains of youngsters. Their lives, their very world view, is crumbling around them. People often think of things like graduation, marriage, etcetera as being significant life events. Our research is showing that when the de jure boy band dissolves it’s a damaging developmental event. We should definitely coddle these heart-broken children. Show them pictures of soft, cuddly, non-threatening looking people or things. Perhaps wombats wearing those little ballerina skirts. Or some beautiful per-pubescent youth holding a hedgehog.”

When Osmonds was asked what he thought the impact the heart-break would have on the pre-teens as school begins he said: “school is the last place they should be at this time. Right now thinking will be very difficult for any pre-teen undergoing boy band induced heart-break. Thinking critically would be very painful for their splodgy, hormone-addled little cerebrums. Writing, for example, would be difficult, not just because the incessant sobbing makes it hard to see, but also because most standard issue inks begin to run when exposed to tears.”

Dr. Osmonds and his research group are meeting with the Region School Board tomorrow to give expect advice regarding school closures.

Stephen Harper commits Canada to joint task force

As soon as the band confirmed their one year hiatus Prime Minster Stephen Harper took a break from campaigning somewhere outside Lindsay, Ontario to announced that Canadian specialists were joining an international task force to aid grieving pre-teens with the end of their collective crush.

“Canadians did not invent the threat of boy band heart-break, and we certainly did not invite it. We, as Canadians, are proud to give our values, families, and strength with the world. In fact, among the nations of the world, we have been one of the biggest providers of heart-break relief assistance.”

The PM finished his speech by pumping his fist in the air and yelling “Canada Strong!” while trying to get the gathered reporters to join him.

“As the king of Stephen Harper’s Canada, I’m putting out an open call to Justin Bieber. Justin, it’s time to do your due diligence to Stephen Harper’s Canada. Work the magic of your beautiful boy band hair, and promise to visit each and every heart-broken tween. Please Justin. Stephen Harper’s Canada needs you now more than ever, for the first time.”

The Waterloo Honk wants to know: would you send your pre-teen to school if they are 1D heart-broken?


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