Laurier Student Receives Life Sentence for Dumpster Diving

Laurier has spent the past 103 years cultivating an outstanding reputation within the greater Kitchener-Waterloo community. The small but vibrant group has become known for their stunning athletic achievements, elaborate peace conferences, and world-renowned school spirit. However after its most recent stunt in the media, Laurier has cultivated a very different reputation.

On the evening of January 20th, a third year Business student was apprehended in the parking lot of SuSu Sushi with a backpack full of stolen produce. He is just one member of Waterloo’s increasingly popular gang of thieves – who acquire food which has been discarded into green bins behind grocery stores. Insider members of the gang refer to themselves as “dumpster divers” or “gleaners.” Police refer to them as “criminals.”

“That food belongs in a landfill,” says the FreshLand stock boy who was responsible for disposing of the produce that night. “That’s why we put it in the garbage.”

Between the time spent at the dumpster and the time he was apprehended on his bike, the former Euler resident violated an appalling 16 bylaws. Due to the length of his trial, the jury voted to add the offence of Public Nuisance to his charge. Since this is his second charge of Public Nuisance this year, his sentence was automatically upgraded from a mere 20 years, to life.

Other charges on his impressively long list of violations include: trespassing, theft, reckless riding, fleeing from officers, biking without a valid driver’s license, suspected previous engagement in speed contests, unlicensed possession of laser, biking through a handicap access only parking space without a permit, neglecting to signal while making a right turn, and displaying a general air of “aloofness” concerning the law.

Police report that after finally catching up to him, he claimed he couldn’t hear their sirens over the sound of his music. His ipod was immediately confiscated. After investigation, police concluded he had been listening to an illegally downloaded version of “American Gangster” by the popular rap artist “Jay Z”, and added piracy to his list of violations.

Although the subject pleaded innocent to the charge of fleeing from officers, the jury decided that he “seemed like the type who had probably always wanted to be involved in a police chase.”

“There were a lot of tip-offs that this was not the kind of boy most Canadians would want to see wandering the streets ever again,” says jury member Stephen Minster. “He repeatedly exclaimed ‘This is outrageous’ and was constantly rolling his eyes. It was clear that he thought he was to good for the judicial system. But apparently not too good to eat out of the garbage.”

Many Canadians will be glad to know that this violator is no longer a threat to society. The convict is currently under intensive police watch, and will be allowed a maximum of 3 months to finish his current term of university and pack his things while living at his parents’ house in Waterloo. After this period he will be taken to The Correctional Centre for Abundant Bylaw Violators in Yellowknife, NWT.

Although rumors linger that gang has been active for years, this is the first instance of Waste Mongrel conviction to date. It leads one to wonder: how have hundreds, possibly thousands, of Waste Mongrels managed to elude police officers for so long?

We asked spokesperson for the Waterloo Police the same question. He refused to comment, saying that he had “more important matters to attend to than whether our garbage ends up in a landfill or in the bellies of a starving student.”

When asked about crime prevention strategies, police again refused to comment. The stock boy from FreshLand, on the other hand, had a lot to say.

“If the police aren’t going to take elaborative action, then FreshLand will. From now on, Freshland will be discarding all of their expired raw meat into the green bins along with the produce. I know Waste Mongrels, they’re desperate, they’ll take anything. If we can’t get them, the Salmonella will.”

It is our hope that Waste Mongrels, or “dumpster divers”, will emerge from their dark holes of deceit  and thievery long enough to read this article. Long enough to protect themselves from the impending doom that awaits them in the green bins of FreshLand. Be safe out there, kids.

What do you think of Dumpster Diving?

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3 thoughts on “Laurier Student Receives Life Sentence for Dumpster Diving

    • Nice to know you get more time dumpster diving than selling crack. Pretty sad when a starving kid can’t even eat bit now you’ve got a bigger problem. People will most likely rob the store now or even possibly kill one another because even that gets you less than 103 years to get some food. The brain goes onto starvation mode and will do anything to keep itself alive.

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