UWaterloo Officially Named Canada's Least Sexy Campus

For 93 glorious years, The University of Waterloo has proudly bore the title of Canada’s Most Innovative University. This year Stats Canada (not to be confused with Statistics Canada) was delighted to add several new categories to the Canada-wide University Rating System, including Brightest Gardens, Weirdest Collection of Statues, and Least Aggressive Mascot. UWaterloo managed to scoop up one of the newest awards for themselves: Canada’s Least Sexy Campus.

According to extensive research, there are a lot of people in this photo, and almost none of them are sexy.   (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Upon hearing the news, we partnered with Stats Canada for this Waterloo Honk exclusive: What do Canada’s least sexy students think of their new title?

A group of Civil Engineers cheered uproariously upon reading the news on Twitter. “Hell yes this place is gross! Our buildings suck! And apparently they nixed that “Rent a Nap Room” idea? Dickwads.”

This misconception was a common one, but Greg Gourd, a fictitious character and Innovator of Stats at Stats Canada, clarifies: “Oh no, the award is definitely not for the buildings on campus. It’s for the people. Had it been for the buildings we might have another story on our hands. Isn’t there a statue of two naked people mid-air in that brain building?”

Indeed there is. However, when we ventured onto Canada’s Official Least Sexy Campus yesterday, we discovered that almost nobody was surprised.

“Sounds about right,” laughed one Kinesiology student on his way to have lunch at Laurier.

One English major told the Honk that whether the award was for buildings or people her response remained the same: “It’s the eclectic mix of the strange and the untamed that gives this place its charm.” Her anonymous friend added “What does sexy even mean, man? Words are just barriers, and f*#! yes you can quote me on that.”

Deviant hottie and Liberal Arts major, Ronda Smith, smirked and said, “You just need to know where to look.” She was later seen entering Hagey Hall.

Stats Canada believes that it is the lack of sexiness has forced many into the always busy 9 library branches on campus. Mr. Gourd hypothesizes that many UWaterloo students are able to redirect more of their energy to worthwhile tasks, such as creating innovative structures out of empty beer cans or studying.

When we asked Mr. Gourd about the process of determining title of Least Sexy Campus, he answered, “You know how Google can’t reveal the secret of their algorithm because they’re afraid someone will copy it? Exactly the same principle applies here. But know this: It was a very thorough investigation. We are 100% sure Waterloo is the least sexy.”

In the words of one Computational Mathematics student, upon hearing the news, “LOL.”

Do not lose hope Waterloo. Following an emergency town hall meeting, a solution has been found. The University of Waterloo will be taking matters into their own homely hands, once again, by creating an infographic to save the day. Keep your eyes out for the release of “How To Avoid The Title of Least Sexy Campus” in the next week.

The Waterloo Honk wants to know: Do you think The University of Waterloo deserves the title of Least Sexy Campus in Canada or not?

___
This satirical article is not affiliated with The University of Waterloo, Stats Canada, or Statistics Canada in any way, shape, or form. It exists purely as a piece of delightful fiction to provide entertainment and commentary for your enjoyment. For more hysterical commentary, check out the also satirical Stats Canada twitter feed.