Mall Santa Quits, Says “Too Many Pervy Moms”

A Santa working for Conestoga Mall quit his job in front of crowds of children on Tuesday. Mr. Jack Rime simultaneously ripped off his beard and ruined dozens of childhood dreams while shouting some un-festive words.

The struggle is very real for Ontario Mall Santas.

The Mall Santa said in a press statement later that “I could not deal with the constant advances made upon me. When I began this post I had no idea there were so many dirty Santa pick up lines. Now I know more than one lifetime’s worth.” According to Rime, frequently mothers taking their children to sit on his lap would make passes at him: whispering sexually explicit pick up lines in his ear, trying to sit on his lap, and even trying to jiggle his belly. “[The belly]’s fake, but it’s the principle of the thing,” said Mr. Rime.

Rick Laeta, head of the Union of Mall Santa’s (UMS) said that this is a perennial problem. “I once had a young mother lean very close to my head and, with peppermint on her breath, whisper ‘you can fill my stocking any night.’ I just had to smile and nod. Her three year-old was urinating on my lap at the time. It was one of the most humiliating experience of my life.”

Santa’s On Strike?

The UMS, and their principal union the Joint Operation of Yuletide Services, have threatened to strike in the past, with little avail. Malls say they they would be willing to hire scab Santas if the UMS & JOYS do follow through. For now the Mall Santas plan to grit their teeth and bear it. “It’s not as if we can stop Christmas from happening,” said Laeta, “Somehow or another Christmas will come all the same.”

What do you think? Have you ever made a pass at a Mall Santa?

Child-Owner’s License Required for Holiday Shopping

A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism is the first in a series of informative pamphlets

If you plan to bring your children along for your last minute holiday shopping, you’ll need to get yourself a Holiday Child-Owner’s License from the City of Waterloo.

“Any child under the age of 13 must be accompanied by an adult, as well as the appropriate license,” explained Chair of the Waterloo Consumerism Association, Sheila Clusterman.

“In the past two weeks we’ve received thousands of complaints from local mall-goers regarding the number of unruly, holiday-crazed children. This was the only solution.”

There are 4 classes of licenses available: Baby License (0-24 months), Terrible Toddler License (2-4 years), School Aged (5-10 years), and Tween License (11-13 years). Candidates will have to pass a short 45 minute exam to ensure that their maturity level matches their claimed age. The test will measure ability to wait in line without shrieking, non-rolliness of shoes, and decibels of giggling.

“After extensive research, we decided that only the Toddlers and Tweens will require leashes. These will be available at Guest Services for a small fee,” says Clusterman.

In order to prepare parents for the challenges of holiday shopping with children, a series of informative pamphlets will be distributed: A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism, How to Go Shoe Shopping with your Toddler, When To Submit To A Temper-Tantrum, Keeping Your Tweens Under Control.

Don’t even think about trying to sneak your kids in without a license. “Mall Cops will be checking IDs at the door from now until Boxing Day,” says Clusterman.

The sudden new rules have rubbed some parents the wrong way. “It’s ridiculous,” says mother of four Pauline Penner. “I guess I’ll have to do all my Christmas shopping at independent boutiques and local artisan shops now,” she sighed.

Clusterman isn’t worried about losing profit. “With the $100 licensing fee, I think we’ll come out ahead.”

In order to make the legislation seem more festive, statues similar to the one pictured below will be erected in select Waterloo malls to promote the Child-Owners Holiday License.

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Will you be purchasing a Child-Owner’s License this year?

Pope declares ‘Second Christmas’ for Waterloo Region

Following the announcement of Second Christmas last night, many young people celebrated by building Snow Popes. Photo credit: http://shewalkssoftly.com/

As decreed by the Pope, the Kitchener-Waterloo region will be celebrating a second Christmas on May 25. The Pope’s attention was drawn to the rampant despair felt by our small but mighty region due to the offensive persistence of winter. Apparently there is only one sensible solution: Second Christmas.  The announcement was made at a press conference held by regional Bishop David Crosby, and other prominent clergy members, following their Emergency Weather Trend meeting with the Pope.

“Our intention is to address the reports of anxiety and anguish brought on by never-ending winter”, explained Crosby.  “We think that a ‘Second Christmas’ will restore hope to the community, whilst helping us cope with this unchanging season”.

The planned ‘Second Christmas’ falls on May 25, the 145^th day of the year. Coincidently, many Waterlooians already celebrate this day as the birthday of Robert “Bob” Christ, the lesser known or recognized brother of Jesus Christ.

The region has been experiencing unseasonably cold weather, with temperatures plunging to almost freezing, and with Jack Plant-Smothering Frost bearing his ugly head this past weekend.

Independent studies show that not only will farmers and maple syrup producers be impacted this year, but the dreary weather is having a particularly negative effect on those who hoped spring would eventually arrive.

A New Hope Restored.

It was a particularly disparaging Monday morning when the bright news of Second Christmas arrived at The University of Waterloo. Faces looked up, and faint smiles even began to flicker on the faces of those huddled in blankets, and around dimly glowing clusters of computers at the Dana Porter Library.

“I spent my co-op term abroad where it was warm and sunny. I was hoping that the weather would follow me when I came back to Canada, but who am I kidding, of course it’s still [unfortunately] cold here,” Barts Tudent, a student at the university told The Waterloo Honk in an exclusive interview.

“Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Christmas!” was the unanimous response from children at the Mike Lazaridis Daycare for Physics Research.  Elsewhere, in childcare institutions across the region, the news was met with cheers and the flailing of limbs.

“Frankly, this is simply just the logical response to the persistent cold weather”, said Wanda Round, spokeswoman for Mothers of Young Children Awaiting the Second Coming of Christmas (MYCASCC).  MYCASCC is working with the city’s Public Decorations Committee, and the Uptown Waterloo BIA to leave up the Christmas lights that are still currently in the trees. “Really, we’re all getting really sick and tired of this cold weather.  We just want some spring.  But Christmas again is kinda nice too.”

Don’t have anywhere to go for Second Christmas? Libraries region-wide will remain open, hosting festive dramatic readings in their non-fiction sections all day long. Merry Second Christmas Waterloo!