Child-Owner’s License Required for Holiday Shopping

A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism is the first in a series of informative pamphlets

If you plan to bring your children along for your last minute holiday shopping, you’ll need to get yourself a Holiday Child-Owner’s License from the City of Waterloo.

“Any child under the age of 13 must be accompanied by an adult, as well as the appropriate license,” explained Chair of the Waterloo Consumerism Association, Sheila Clusterman.

“In the past two weeks we’ve received thousands of complaints from local mall-goers regarding the number of unruly, holiday-crazed children. This was the only solution.”

There are 4 classes of licenses available: Baby License (0-24 months), Terrible Toddler License (2-4 years), School Aged (5-10 years), and Tween License (11-13 years). Candidates will have to pass a short 45 minute exam to ensure that their maturity level matches their claimed age. The test will measure ability to wait in line without shrieking, non-rolliness of shoes, and decibels of giggling.

“After extensive research, we decided that only the Toddlers and Tweens will require leashes. These will be available at Guest Services for a small fee,” says Clusterman.

In order to prepare parents for the challenges of holiday shopping with children, a series of informative pamphlets will be distributed: A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism, How to Go Shoe Shopping with your Toddler, When To Submit To A Temper-Tantrum, Keeping Your Tweens Under Control.

Don’t even think about trying to sneak your kids in without a license. “Mall Cops will be checking IDs at the door from now until Boxing Day,” says Clusterman.

The sudden new rules have rubbed some parents the wrong way. “It’s ridiculous,” says mother of four Pauline Penner. “I guess I’ll have to do all my Christmas shopping at independent boutiques and local artisan shops now,” she sighed.

Clusterman isn’t worried about losing profit. “With the $100 licensing fee, I think we’ll come out ahead.”

In order to make the legislation seem more festive, statues similar to the one pictured below will be erected in select Waterloo malls to promote the Child-Owners Holiday License.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Will you be purchasing a Child-Owner’s License this year?

Waterloo LRT will connect 349 malls across Canada

A prototype for the world’s first mall-on-rails, based out of Waterloo, Ontario. The Great Canadian Mall Trail will not only connect 349 malls across the country, but will also function as a stand-alone mall itself.

After decades of discussion, LRT plans are finally in motion. Waterloo Transit will soon begin construction of a railed pathway between Conestoga and Fairview, allowing consumers to travel faster than ever before between the two malls.

Only a 7 minute rapid transit ride away, Conestoga Mall will essentially become an extension of Fairview Mall. However, according to project managers, this will be an enhanced travel-shopping experience. Consumers will be treated to free samples and topical coupons during the connection trip. What’s more: LRT designers plan to replace the windows with vending machines, which will contain groceries, various soaps, and stationary, so consumers may achieve some of their less glamorous shopping during the ride.

“I don’t see why the consumer experience should have to stop once you leave the mall,” said LRT consumer resource manager. “My vision for the LRT is a mall on rails: the most efficient shopping experience our consumers will ever have. Kitchener-Waterloo’s third mall. Maybe our best mall yet.”

But the initiative does not stop here. The Waterloo LRT has offered to extend the rail construction to any Canadian mall within a 4,000 km radius.

“The obvious result here is that even more consumerism will be brought into the malls of Kitchener-Waterloo – some of the best quality malls in the world. Of course it will be expensive. But think of the pay-off.”

The connection between Conestoga and Fairview malls is the first of 349 malls which will be joined across Canada.

“Think of it: Anything you could possibly want, only a short rapid transit ride out of reach. Every store. Every sale. Completely accessible on the Great Canadian Mall Trail. We’ll make online shopping a thing of the past.”