Mall Santa Quits, Says “Too Many Pervy Moms”

A Santa working for Conestoga Mall quit his job in front of crowds of children on Tuesday. Mr. Jack Rime simultaneously ripped off his beard and ruined dozens of childhood dreams while shouting some un-festive words.

By Kaz Andrew

The struggle is very real for Ontario Mall Santas.

The Mall Santa said in a press statement later that “I could not deal with the constant advances made upon me. When I began this post I had no idea there were so many dirty Santa pick up lines. Now I know more than one lifetime’s worth.” According to Rime, frequently mothers taking their children to sit on his lap would make passes at him: whispering sexually explicit pick up lines in his ear, trying to sit on his lap, and even trying to jiggle his belly. “[The belly]’s fake, but it’s the principle of the thing,” said Mr. Rime.

Rick Laeta, head of the Union of Mall Santa’s (UMS) said that this is a perennial problem. “I once had a young mother lean very close to my head and, with peppermint on her breath, whisper ‘you can fill my stocking any night.’ I just had to smile and nod. Her three year-old was urinating on my lap at the time. It was one of the most humiliating experience of my life.”

Santa’s On Strike?

The UMS, and their principal union the Joint Operation of Yuletide Services, have threatened to strike in the past, with little avail. Malls say they they would be willing to hire scab Santas if the UMS & JOYS do follow through. For now the Mall Santas plan to grit their teeth and bear it. “It’s not as if we can stop Christmas from happening,” said Laeta, “Somehow or another Christmas will come all the same.”

What do you think? Have you ever made a pass at a Mall Santa?


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