As decreed by the Pope, the Kitchener-Waterloo region will be celebrating a second Christmas on May 25. The Pope’s attention was drawn to the rampant despair felt by our small but mighty region due to the offensive persistence of winter. Apparently there is only one sensible solution: Second Christmas. The announcement was made at a press conference held by regional Bishop David Crosby, and other prominent clergy members, following their Emergency Weather Trend meeting with the Pope.
“Our intention is to address the reports of anxiety and anguish brought on by never-ending winter”, explained Crosby. “We think that a ‘Second Christmas’ will restore hope to the community, whilst helping us cope with this unchanging season”.
The planned ‘Second Christmas’ falls on May 25, the 145th day of the year. Coincidently, many Waterlooians already celebrate this day as the birthday of Robert “Bob” Christ, the lesser known or recognized brother of Jesus Christ.
The region has been experiencing unseasonably cold weather, with temperatures plunging to almost freezing, and with Jack Plant-Smothering Frost bearing his ugly head this past weekend.
Independent studies show that not only will farmers and maple syrup producers be impacted this year, but the dreary weather is having a particularly negative effect on those who hoped spring would eventually arrive.
A New Hope Restored.
It was a particularly disparaging Monday morning when the bright news of Second Christmas arrived at The University of Waterloo. Faces looked up, and faint smiles even began to flicker on the faces of those huddled in blankets, and around dimly glowing clusters of computers at the Dana Porter Library.
“I spent my co-op term abroad where it was warm and sunny. I was hoping that the weather would follow me when I came back to Canada, but who am I kidding, of course it’s still [unfortunately] cold here,” Barts Tudent, a student at the university told The Waterloo Honk in an exclusive interview.
“Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Christmas!” was the unanimous response from children at the Mike Lazaridis Daycare for Physics Research. Elsewhere, in childcare institutions across the region, the news was met with cheers and the flailing of limbs.
“Frankly, this is simply just the logical response to the persistent cold weather”, said Wanda Round, spokeswoman for Mothers of Young Children Awaiting the Second Coming of Christmas (MYCASCC). MYCASCC is working with the city’s Public Decorations Committee, and the Uptown Waterloo BIA to leave up the Christmas lights that are still currently in the trees. “Really, we’re all getting really sick and tired of this cold weather. We just want some spring. But Christmas again is kinda nice too.”
Don’t have anywhere to go for Second Christmas? Libraries region-wide will remain open, hosting festive dramatic readings in their non-fiction sections all day long. Merry Second Christmas Waterloo!