A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism is the first in a series of informative pamphlets
If you plan to bring your children along for your last minute holiday shopping, you’ll need to get yourself a Holiday Child-Owner’s License from the City of Waterloo.
“Any child under the age of 13 must be accompanied by an adult, as well as the appropriate license,” explained Chair of the Waterloo Consumerism Association, Sheila Clusterman.
“In the past two weeks we’ve received thousands of complaints from local mall-goers regarding the number of unruly, holiday-crazed children. This was the only solution.”
There are 4 classes of licenses available: Baby License (0-24 months), Terrible Toddler License (2-4 years), School Aged (5-10 years), and Tween License (11-13 years). Candidates will have to pass a short 45 minute exam to ensure that their maturity level matches their claimed age. The test will measure ability to wait in line without shrieking, non-rolliness of shoes, and decibels of giggling.
“After extensive research, we decided that only the Toddlers and Tweens will require leashes. These will be available at Guest Services for a small fee,” says Clusterman.
In order to prepare parents for the challenges of holiday shopping with children, a series of informative pamphlets will be distributed: A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism, How to Go Shoe Shopping with your Toddler, When To Submit To A Temper-Tantrum, Keeping Your Tweens Under Control.
Don’t even think about trying to sneak your kids in without a license. “Mall Cops will be checking IDs at the door from now until Boxing Day,” says Clusterman.
The sudden new rules have rubbed some parents the wrong way. “It’s ridiculous,” says mother of four Pauline Penner. “I guess I’ll have to do all my Christmas shopping at independent boutiques and local artisan shops now,” she sighed.
Clusterman isn’t worried about losing profit. “With the $100 licensing fee, I think we’ll come out ahead.”
In order to make the legislation seem more festive, statues similar to the one pictured below will be erected in select Waterloo malls to promote the Child-Owners Holiday License.
Will you be purchasing a Child-Owner’s License this year?
The Waterloo Honk 