LRT Construction to Continue Indefinitely

Grandlinq contractors and region officials gathered at Kitchener City Hall Friday to celebrate a momentous announcement for the region’s LRT system…and commuters. Plans were unveiled to keep the region in a permanent state of LRT construction.

“This new, extended project will put Kitchener-Waterloo on the map,” explained Grandlinq spokesperson Robert T. Builder, as he gestured to a Map of Southern Ontario Cities People Have Heard Of.  “We intend to build the tallest-ever LRT in the world”

Never-Ending Construction

This announcement has been expected ever since Waterloo’s Caroline Street was officially declared “under construction forever.” The celebrations featured an LRT-shaped cake and legendary Debrodnik’s donuts.

Approximately 2,591 construction vehicles have found a permanent new home in KW. Photo by George Socka from Toronto, Canada (Building demolition machine Komatsu 450 CLAWS) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

“Personally, I’m quite excited to hear the news”, said area resident Summer Straphanger.  “It will keep my daily commute fresh and exciting.  I really like how I never know what detours, road closures or short-turns to expect next.”

Straphanger lives in Waterloo, and takes the bus daily to and from her workplace in downtown Kitchener.

“The other day I was sitting on the iXpress hoping to get to Uptown Square in Waterloo.  Then, all of a sudden, whoops!  The bus makes a left on Erb street.  I was so surprised I took the bus all the way to Cambridge.  It was such an adventure!”

Chain Businesses Will Be Fine

University of Waterloo student Diana Porter was also present. Porter is the head of a team of researchers from the School of Planning working with the region to study whether Kitchener’s downtown core will continue to see rising rent prices for commercial spaces, despite the ongoing construction.

“It’s really a strange phenomenon we’ve seen already, with rent for commercial spaces increasing even during LRT construction, and even before the population density required to support potential businesses for these spaces is present,” Porter said, referring to the increased density expected to be brought by the new condo towers and other planned developments near the downtown core.

“We’re not sure what to expect now, given plans for an indefinite state of construction.   Perhaps rent prices will continue to increase indefinitely as well.”

Builder, who expects closing local businesses will make way for brand-name chain stores, thinks it will make Kitchener a more welcoming place for visitors from Toronto and elsewhere.

“If I live in a suburb, and I drive to a box mall to do my shopping, I’d like that I can go all the way to downtown Kitchener and buy the exact same stuff from the exact same stores out there.”  Builder says.

“We can replace all the local business with signs indicating where they used to be.”

Additional LRT Attractions: Roller Coasters?

With the new LRT construction plans, rail lines will eventually be installed in every road in the region, with some routes even featuring multiple sets of rails.

The largest and most expensive development is a planned six million square-foot GRT-themed theme park at the Conestoga Mall end of the line.  Transit users will be allowed entry to the park with the presentation of valid proof of ticket payment.

The park will come complete with a 94 meter high “RolLRT-coaster”, and a “House of Wave Hand Here Doors”, full of the automatic rear doors of GRT bus fame, some of which open, and some of which never do.

“We have had people ask us if this is really something we can do,” said Builder to the gathered audience, many holding balloon animals riding balloon trains.

“Well, as Grandlinq spokesperson, its my job to tell them, yes.  Yes we can.”

Public Transit Claims Rider’s Dignity

This winter the motion sensor doors, installed on many Grand River Transit buses, have claimed another victim: the dignity of some riders.

“It was embarrassing”

Ahmed Matherson, 43, requested a stop, and proceeded towards the backdoor. When the bus pulled up to his stop he waved his hand in front of the door, moved it up and down with his palm open, and even pushed on the green sign, all to no avail. The bus moved on and the same thing happened at the next stop, and the next. A line of people all trying to get off grew behind him. “It was embarrassing. I felt embarrassed by my door incompetence,” said Matherson, “I started to doubt my own existence, you know? If I can’t operate a motion sensor door, am I a real person? Do I have agency? It was a really dark moment for me.”

From the Public Transit Board of Ontario 2009 report on Existentialism among riders. Recent polls indicate numbers may be higher than shown.

Existential Crises

Matherson, it seems, is not alone. A 2009 report published by the Public Transit Board of Ontario has shown that GRT riders show a higher than normal levels of existentialism among riders in comparison to other cities in Ontario. The Tri-City area scored a whopping 13 on the Camus-Hamlet Scale of Transit Induced Existentialism. The next closest transit area was Greater Sudbury with a score of 10. Oddly, the Owen Sound Transit system scored only 2.5, indicating either it’s riders are more mentally resilient, or simply that it is not used. Dr. Maria Goldbaum of the Lyle S. Hallman School of Social Work at WLU told The Honk “I dealt with many existential breakdowns, on a monthly basis, all through the winter. So much so that I have developed Motion Sensor Therapy.” The therapy mainly involves walking through the main door of Dr. Goldbaum’s office, but she says she also plans on working with a motion activated light she found in a basement washroom. “These are very exciting times in Motion Sensor Therapy!”

GRT Response

This is not the first time people have been stuck on a GRT bus because of dysfunctional doors. Two years ago 23 people were trapped for several hours on a bus. No one was available for comment from the GRT, but they did say in a generic email that the motion sensor doors are slowly being replaced by doors with push bars, which they hope will alleviate the problem. Matherson, however, is not as hopeful. “What’s the use of it all?”

What do you think? We’d love to hear from you, just write out your thoughts in the comment section below.

Caroline Street will be under construction ‘forever’ according to city

Caroline St. now officially closed forever.

If you’re one of those people who hates driving down the Uptown stretch of King Street, it’s time to find yourself an alternate alternate route. And if you’re one of the pedestrians who dash in front of cars on King Street, please stop.

Caroline Street, which runs parallel to King Street in Uptown Waterloo, has been closed for construction since September 2014. According to a recent press release, that construction will be infinite.

“Yeah when we began the project, we knew it was nearly impossible,” admitted Joseph Schmo. “But now it’s official. Caroline St. simply can’t be fixed. It will be under construction forever.”

“Forever and ever,” he elaborated later.

The construction budget of $818 million was initially a point of conflict for Waterloo citizens. Now many are concerned that the money will not be enough to sustain the project until the end of time.

Schmo isn’t worried. “It’s just me and a few of my buddies. As far as I’m concerned $818 million is plenty.”

A handful of Waterloo citizens have questioned the permanence of the project. Henry Krinkle says, “I can think of worse ways to spend $818 million, I mean, it’s making jobs right? I just want to know what they’ll be working on. Isn’t that where that little train rail thing was supposed to go?”

Many alternate routes have been proposed by the city, the most convenient being: Euclid Street, Regina Street, or the Iron Horse Trail.

What route will you take from now until the end of time? How do you feel about street construction?

Rocket Ship Proposed for Kitchener’s Victoria Park

Kitchener city planners are preparing to draft a proposal to replace the famous clock tower in Victoria Park. “The clock tower is getting old, and we want the younger generation to get excited about Kitchener’s innovative environment, so we’re proposing a replacement,” said Kitchener city Councillor, Frank Etherington.

An artist’s rendering of the future rocket ship

City planners want to replace the clock tower with a fully-operational rocket ship launchpad.
Councillors said they were surprised at the feedback received during early public consultations. “Most people weren’t happy about it,” said a public employee.

Councillors say that the rocket ship is a part of a long term strategy to make Kitchener one of the most innovative cities in the world. “When we built the new city hall back in 1993, we purposely designed it so that it could be transformed into a spaceship docking station once the technology was available,” claimed one city Councillor. “It just makes sense that Victoria Park would be the launchpad for space travel.”

No current plans for space travel
If you like the sound of rocket ships, you’ll still have to wait to ride one. Planners don’t expect the rocket ship to be operational for a few years. However, the provincial government is on board for the project and has promised one-way trips to Mars bi-annually starting 2024.

War of the Wheels: An Update on Ontario’s Vehicular War

Spring it seems is finally here, and with bicyclists returning to the roads, so is an increase in commuter hostility. But this spring things have taken a turn for the worst. This year Southern Ontario has seen a violent confrontation between vehicle operators, so-called “Guzzlers” and bicyclists, otherwise known as “Rusties.” In a Waterloo Honk exclusive, our reporters get to the bottom of what is becoming known as “The Great Vehicular War.”

For most of us, this was a complete surprise. Although, in hindsight, the root causes are crystal clear: vulgar gestures on busy roads, rush hour rage, narrow lanes, all these things contributed to the conflict. It was only a matter of time before all out war broke loose.

The Beginning of the Conflict
City streets are in a state of confusion and chaos — some speculate the Rusties are especially uneasy due to the possibility of Rob Ford’s re-election — but there is one thing each side agrees upon: it all started with the middle finger. Unfortunately that’s where the agreement ends. Who flipped who? The Rusty or the Guzzler? No one knows for sure. But it all went downhill from there. The infamous exchange took place in downtown Toronto. Two commuters verbally brawled for over an hour, causing major traffic congestion. Soon others joined in. Tweets were tweeted, texts were texted. Before long, Toronto’s downtown core was reduced to G20-style pandemonium.

Cyclists joined forces with the pedestrians and established key areas of control in the downtown core. The vehicle operators quickly mobilized in the greater suburban areas. Most combat occurs on the boundaries of these two territories.

Battle ground Toronto
Our correspondent in Toronto managed to interview one Rusty (who wished to remain anonymous) during skirmishes along Bloor St. His face was covered with cloth: “to protect from the emissions,” he said. “They’re throwing everything they got at us, like half-full slurpies or McDonald’s garbage. My buddy got hit with a Timbit just yesterday.” The Rusty talked about the casualties of war as he removed chrome air-valve caps from a nearby BMW. He then proceeded to swap them for the plain black caps on his bicycle tires. “It’s hard to find nice ones like these. I’d love to see the look on this Guzzler’s face when he realizes his fancy shmancy car only has the plain black valve caps,” he chuckled.

The interview abruptly ended when the two suddenly became targets of a drive-by attack. Shouts were heard amidst a barrage of eggs: “Get off the roads you hippies!”

The war quickly spread throughout the GTA, pulling Hamilton into the chaos. But the Rusties have maintained control of the GO Lakeshore train route, which is now seen as a key strategic supply line. A leaked photo indicates that the Guzzlers are preparing for a major aqua offensive from Lake Ontario, codenamed Operation Eco-Unfriendly.

Leaked photo of Guzzlers staging operation Eco-Unfriendly in front of Toronto, obviously.

The war spreads
In the meantime the Tricity has toppled into its own war of the wheels. Cambridge was quickly conquered by the Guzzlers, along with the North end of Waterloo. Kitchener has become a Rusty stronghold, but without reinforcements from Hamilton, it is expected that the base will not hold out for much longer.

We managed to contact a Guzzler in Cambridge. “It’s about time we had a showdown with those weenies,” he replied in regards to the War. “The only thing is, the road-market has become volatile as a result.” When asked if he owned roads he replied, “yes, I own a large swath of Hespeler, pretty much everything north of Bishop.” The Honk was surprised to learn that Guzzlers have indeed purchased most roads throughout the Waterloo Region, which explains why they get so angry when bicyclists use them.

Reports are coming in from Kitchener of cars parked in dedicated bicycle lanes, with some suspiciously leaving banana peels in the bike lane after departing. One Kitchenerite reported that Guzzlers are opening their vehicle doors irresponsibly fast. “They park on the side of the a road and they open their door without checking. They’re definitely trying to catch bicyclists off-guard.”

She said she’s been doing her part to contribute to the war effort. “I take my time crossing roads at stop signs,” she whispered, “and the cars have to wait extra long for me.”

New CostCo Wholesale Means LRT Extension

Proposed LRT with appropriate safety barrier.

In response to public concerns about the possible increase of traffic at the west end Erb St. due to the new CostCo, City council has approved an extension of Light Rail Transit. “We really see a need to make this as consumer friendly as possible,” said Geoff Ishida, Costco VP, “We at CostCo Wholesale hear your concerns (about traffic congestion) and are willing to negotiate an extension of the LRT to include this new CostCo location. Rapid transit and CostCo have a bright future for the taxpayers of KW.”

Conflicted Public Response
Some people who attended the council meeting left feeling very conflicted. “I hate LRT,” said Waterloo resident Bill McFlaggen, “But I also hate getting stuck in traffic. I just feel very conflicted right now. I want to write an angry letter, but I don’t know who I’m angry at.” While Jaime Fforde said he changed his mind completely. “I was totally opposed to the CostCo, ‘cause it’s big and a boxstore and I’m not into boxstores right now, but if they support public transport, then they can’t be that bad, right?”

Great Canadian Mall Train Link Up
It would seem that this extension of the LRT will be part of Great Canadian Mall train plan that LRT consumer resource manager, Jerry Wether spoke to the Waterloo Honk about in February of 2013. Ms. Wether said that the LRT will become part of a national mall train project that seeks to connect malls across Canada. In and email Ms. Wether’s office informed the Waterloo Honk that “the connecting of the Waterloo Region to the LRT will include both Waterloo Region malls and CostCo Wholesale stores because they gave us a lot of money in a totally above board kind of way.”

In regards to concerns raised over customers’ ability to transport large bulk purchases back to their home, an extra large caboose car will be added to the Waterloo LRT. Use of the caboose will be restricted to card holders only, and free samples will be provided.

Construction on the LRT extension is scheduled to begin November of 2015.

Bouncy Castle City Bus (plus 66 others) Released For New Years Eve by The City of Waterloo

Preparations for the “I’ve Got 99 Cats Bus” are right on schedule. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What do Bouncy Castles, Slime Ball Pits, and Karaoke Saunas have in common? Nothing. But tonight they are 3 of 67 themes from The City of Waterloo’s New Years Eve Bus Initiative.

In an effort to discourage drinking and driving this New Years Eve, The City of Waterloo will be throwing 67 simultaneous public transit parties – each hosted on a separate city bus. Each bus will be host to a unique party, including Slip n’ Slide Bus, Pillow Fight Bus, Strobe Light Bus, and many more.

“Each party is inspired by the spirit of the City: exciting, innovative, and full of weirdos,” explains Stephen Scotty, the true mastermind behind the Party Bus Initiative.

Research has shown that last year over 80% of young people chose not to ride the bus on NYE, selecting “too boring” as the number one reason.

“I’d like to see the results of that survey after this year,” scoffs Scotty.

The buses will be released at 8pm this evening, and will be running according to their regular schedules. Keep an eye out for your favourite city councillors who will be stuck on the buses all evening, as  imposed by their official civic duties.

“I just hope I don’t get assigned to the Bouncy Castle Zoo Bus,” states the Deputy Major.

Other buses include:
Piranha Aquarium Bus
Glow in the Dark Petting Zoo Bus
Karaoke Sauna Bus
Butterfly Conservatory Bus
99 Cats Bus
Magma Bus
Snakes on a Bus Bus
Everything is Orange Bus
Science Experiment Bus
Open Air Bus
Snuggie Bus
Mumford and Sons Cover Band Bus
Bus of The Living Dead Bus
Magic School Bus Bus
No Chairs Bus
Pancakes and Coffee Bus
Make Your Own Dreamcatcher Bus
Nap Bus
Monkey Bus
Riding With The Dinosaurs 3D Bus
Nickleback Bus

Don’t drink and drive; drink and ride the Party Bus. You’ll be glad you did.
Happy New Year from The Waterloo Honk. Stay safe tonight!

City Councillor Excited to Taste the New LRT

This is a light meal, not light rail.

In an exclusive interview for the Honk, Julie Dodge — city Councillor for Kitchener — expressed her personal interest in the new LRT. “I think it’s a great idea,” she started, “my morning commute has been getting dull.”

Honk: So you do use public transit?

Dodge: Oh yes, there is a bus stop about five minutes from my house, and it’s right beside a local Tim Hortons. I usually stop there to get a breakfast sandwich. I like it when they switch things up and add new items to the menu.

Honk: Will the LRT shorten your daily commute?

Dodge: Well, I suppose, maybe. That depends on how long it takes to make. And there will probably be bigger lineups because everyone will want to try it out.

Honk: Some vehicle-owners complain about being disregarded because of the LRT.

Dodge: Really? Well, to me, that’s ridiculous. They already have one lane dedicated for them, and they usually get served before walkers anyways. It’s not that hard to park and walk in.

Honk: Some critics complain that the LRT will be too much of a burden for taxpayers. Do you think that it’s worth it?

Dodge: A burden to taxpayers? Tim Hortons is footing the bill, obviously. And we’ll see if it’s worth it. If it tastes good, then yes, if not, then they’ll probably just scrap it.

Honk: Since when has Tim Hortons been a sponsor of the LRT?

Dodge: I believe they’ve been involved since the beginning, they did invent it of course.

Honk: Do you know what LRT stands for?

Dodge: No, to be honest. I think Lettuce, Radish, Tomato. Maybe it’s a vegetarian spin on the BLT. Tim Hortons must be trying to widen their market share.

Honk: Okay Julie thanks for your time.

Dodge: Thank-you! I’ve always admired your professionalism. You guys are so much more informative than that other Waterloo paper, the Vinyl.

“Walking Licence” Now Required for Waterloo Pedestrians

Peter Peddy takes a photo of his shadow while waiting for his Walking Suspension to end. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you’re planning to walk anywhere in the Kitchener-Waterloo area ever again, you’re going to want to get your Walking Licence.

It was a lunch-break like any other for local business owner Peter Peddy – until he was approached by a police officer and ticketed for walking without a licence. Like the rest of Waterloo, Peter is required to obtain his Walking Licence, and carry it with him any time he plans on walking.

Peter Peddy got off easy with a warning and a 3 minute walking suspension, during which he was carted over to a designated penalty square to serve his sentence with the rest of the violators.

Just one more step in the Waterloo Travel Strategy

The Waterloo Travel Strategy has opened their licensing department in the parking lot of The Shops Uptown. They assures everyone that any “non-idiot” will pass the test on their first try.

“You just have to demonstrate your ability to walk on the right side of the pathway, obviously, maintain a speed between 5 and 6 kilometers per hour, look both ways twice before crossing the streets, no excessive arm swinging, never walk through a handicap parking spot without a proper permit, and of course, no unreasonable stomping.” Much like driving, texting while walking will be an ultimate offence, and will result in an automatic 3 year licence suspension.

What happens after the licence is revoked?

“That’s a question people are going to have to ask themselves before they walk anywhere with excessive arm swinging, isn’t it?” giggled spokesperson for Waterloo Travel Strategy.

Additional classifications are available for advanced walking. For example: Class S for stroller pushing, Class C for walking while drinking coffee, and Class E for walking in a suit.

Minimum Speed signs will be erected in high traffic areas in which people don’t have time to wait for slowpokes, and where there is nothing interesting to see anyway.

If unlicensed, a pedestrian could face walking suspensions ranging from 3 minutes to 5 years. On the assignment process, one police officer has this to say: “It really depends on their misdemeanour, how I feel in the moment, and their perceived ability to use alternate forms of transportation such as cars, trucks, or smartcars.”

The new Walking Licence is just one step in the Waterloo Travel Strategy, which will ideally switch everyone over to exclusive street-car travel by next year.

Why pick on pedestrians?

“Pedestrians are 98% more likely to be involved in a sidewalk related accident than any other form of transportation. We’re just trying to keep our city safe.”