Kinder Surprises Now Illegal in Waterloo

A Kinder Surprise halved, showing the plastic ...

A Kinder Surprise halved, showing the lethal plastic shell which will soon become a distant memory to Waterloo citizens  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some say Kinder Surprises balance the three pillars of any good children’s product: glucose, useless trinkets, and moderate danger. As of this week, The City of Waterloo decided that the danger involved with the sugary treat was not so moderate after all.

Just Trying to Be Safer Than America

Waterloo has always prided itself on being significantly more safe than our neighbours to the south: America. And also Kitchener.

Because of the obvious choking hazard, the murderous objects have never been allowed for sale in the States. However everything changed yesterday when Obama announced a lift on the Kinder Surprise Prohibition.

Immediately following the press release, The City of Waterloo held an emergency meeting to take advantage of the State’s “severe lapse of judgement.”

“I don’t know how many children have choked on a Kinder Surprise,” said spokesperson for the ban, Valerie Vexate. “But I bet there’s been at least one.”

Useless But Beloved Children’s Trinkets Now Illegal and Destroyed

Waterloo stores have destroyed all of the murderous products, leaving 2.5 thousand pounds of mashed chocolate-plastic bits in  various dumpsters city-wide.

“Hopefully some of those dang ‘coons will get at them,” says one store manager who wasn’t concerned about $230 worth of lost products. “Wouldn’t mind wiping some of them out!”

Kitchener Locals Smuggle Illegal Kinder Surprises To Waterloo

Kitchener has refused to take part in the ban, calling it “yet another pathetic attempt to become a Better America.” Harry Hanson of Kitchener says “You Waterlooians have always been obsessed with distinguishing yourself from America and Kitchener. New flash: We don’t care! And Kinder Eggs rule!”

Rumor has it that a Kinder Surprise black market is already in the works, with plans for 350 vicious surprises to be smuggled into Waterloo daily.

City council is in discussion on punishment strategies for illegal smuggling of Kinder Surprises into Waterloo. Potential punishments include sentencing the child to eat 5 Kinder Surprises in under 3 minutes, and possible permanent deportation to Kitchener.

The Waterloo Honk wants to know: What else should The City of Waterloo ban?

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