Child-Owner’s License Required for Holiday Shopping


A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism is the first in a series of informative pamphlets

If you plan to bring your children along for your last minute holiday shopping, you’ll need to get yourself a Holiday Child-Owner’s License from the City of Waterloo.

“Any child under the age of 13 must be accompanied by an adult, as well as the appropriate license,” explained Chair of the Waterloo Consumerism Association, Sheila Clusterman.

“In the past two weeks we’ve received thousands of complaints from local mall-goers regarding the number of unruly, holiday-crazed children. This was the only solution.”

There are 4 classes of licenses available: Baby License (0-24 months), Terrible Toddler License (2-4 years), School Aged (5-10 years), and Tween License (11-13 years). Candidates will have to pass a short 45 minute exam to ensure that their maturity level matches their claimed age. The test will measure ability to wait in line without shrieking, non-rolliness of shoes, and decibels of giggling.

“After extensive research, we decided that only the Toddlers and Tweens will require leashes. These will be available at Guest Services for a small fee,” says Clusterman.

In order to prepare parents for the challenges of holiday shopping with children, a series of informative pamphlets will be distributed: A Baby’s Guide to Consumerism, How to Go Shoe Shopping with your Toddler, When To Submit To A Temper-Tantrum, Keeping Your Tweens Under Control.

Don’t even think about trying to sneak your kids in without a license. “Mall Cops will be checking IDs at the door from now until Boxing Day,” says Clusterman.

The sudden new rules have rubbed some parents the wrong way. “It’s ridiculous,” says mother of four Pauline Penner. “I guess I’ll have to do all my Christmas shopping at independent boutiques and local artisan shops now,” she sighed.

Clusterman isn’t worried about losing profit. “With the $100 licensing fee, I think we’ll come out ahead.”

In order to make the legislation seem more festive, statues similar to the one pictured below will be erected in select Waterloo malls to promote the Child-Owners Holiday License.

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Will you be purchasing a Child-Owner’s License this year?

Caroline Street will be under construction ‘forever’ according to city


Caroline St. now officially closed forever.

If you’re one of those people who hates driving down the Uptown stretch of King Street, it’s time to find yourself an alternate alternate route. And if you’re one of the pedestrians who dash in front of cars on King Street, please stop.

Caroline Street, which runs parallel to King Street in Uptown Waterloo, has been closed for construction since September 2014. According to a recent press release, that construction will be infinite.

“Yeah when we began the project, we knew it was nearly impossible,” admitted Joseph Schmo. “But now it’s official. Caroline St. simply can’t be fixed. It will be under construction forever.”

“Forever and ever,” he elaborated later.

The construction budget of $818 million was initially a point of conflict for Waterloo citizens. Now many are concerned that the money will not be enough to sustain the project until the end of time.

Schmo isn’t worried. “It’s just me and a few of my buddies. As far as I’m concerned $818 million is plenty.”

A handful of Waterloo citizens have questioned the permanence of the project. Henry Krinkle says, “I can think of worse ways to spend $818 million, I mean, it’s making jobs right? I just want to know what they’ll be working on. Isn’t that where that little train rail thing was supposed to go?”

Many alternate routes have been proposed by the city, the most convenient being: Euclid Street, Regina Street, or the Iron Horse Trail.

What route will you take from now until the end of time? How do you feel about street construction?

New Waterloo Vice-President “Knows Nothing”

Last Thursday the University of Waterloo sent an email announcing a new appointment, however newly appointed University of Waterloo Vice-President Bob Crow apparently “knows nothing.”

Medieval Studies student Rose Grit said to The Waterloo Honk, “It’s just a feeling I have. I mean I’m sure I’ll like him, but I think he knows nothing.” This was a feeling that was shared by several other students in the Classics and Medieval Studies lounge. Meanwhile the news did not appear to have spread to the International Development students. Danielle Targair said “Crow? Bob Crow? Haven’t heard of him. Isn’t he from up north somewhere? Weird. My step brother’s name is Bob Crow, but obviously it’s not him.”

The accusations appear unfounded, Mr. Crow has served in many esteemed positions and two Masters degrees. Mr. Crow has yet to respond to the accusation that he lacks knowledge, however President Hamdullahpur said in a press statement on Wednesday that Mr. Crow “will be a light-bringer to this institution.”

Rocket Ship Proposed for Kitchener’s Victoria Park

Kitchener city planners are preparing to draft a proposal to replace the famous clock tower in Victoria Park. “The clock tower is getting old, and we want the younger generation to get excited about Kitchener’s innovative environment, so we’re proposing a replacement,” said Kitchener city Councillor, Frank Etherington.

An artist's rendering of the future rocket ship

An artist’s rendering of the future rocket ship

City planners want to replace the clock tower with a fully-operational rocket ship launchpad.
Councillors said they were surprised at the feedback received during early public consultations. “Most people weren’t happy about it,” said a public employee.

Councillors say that the rocket ship is a part of a long term strategy to make Kitchener one of the most innovative cities in the world. “When we built the new city hall back in 1993, we purposely designed it so that it could be transformed into a spaceship docking station once the technology was available,” claimed one city Councillor. “It just makes sense that Victoria Park would be the launchpad for space travel.”

No current plans for space travel
If you like the sound of rocket ships, you’ll still have to wait to ride one. Planners don’t expect the rocket ship to be operational for a few years. However, the provincial government is on board for the project and has promised one-way trips to Mars bi-annually starting 2024.

Kanye West to Graduate from Wilfrid Laurier University

Dr. Max demonstrating some of the other cool things that occur at WLU

The Honourary Degrees Committee made the announcement on Thursday that Kanye West, popular R&B artist, will be receiving an honourary Doctorate of Letters from Wilfrid Laurier University at this spring’s convocation. The Doctorate of Letters, or D.Litt. is an honourary doctor that is considered to be the equivalent or even more prestigious than a Ph.D.

The rapper famously dropped out of college after only one semester to start a career in hip-hop and rap, gaining both wealth and fame far beyond what he could have done had he graduated with a Bachelor of Arts. His hit debut album was titled “College Dropout” and is largely self-referential.

Laurier student body remains unsure
Mr. West’s honourary degree has caused some concern amongst Laurier’s President, Max Blouw, who said in a Youtube video released on Friday that “inspiring lives can be hip too. We must hop on the cool train!” Students on the other hand, appear to be apathetic. When asked how he felt about the news music major Ralph Gonzolato simply shrugged his shoulders and said “I suppose he’s cool. I’m more into the Bach Sonatas right now.” Waterloo Honk reporters also asked several students dancing at Phils, but did not get an audible response.

Dr. Yeezus in prestigious company
Other recipients of the a D.Litt from the Wilfred Laurier University include local artist Woldemar Neufeld, actor Colm Feore and author Joseph Boyden. Mike Duffy and Pamela Wallin, both recently disgraced politician have also recieved D.Litt degrees from Laurier University. The Waterloo Honk attempted to contact Mr. Duffy, but was informed he will be “unavailable for comment” for an indeterminate amount of time. His receptionist did say that Mr. Duffy would be happy to add her name to his current public works project, the “Duffy says hi” website, provided it did not already appear.

At this time it is unclear whether or not Dr. West will teach classes at the University, although some have speculated that the University may follow the University of Missouri and allow the newly minted ‘Dr. Yeezy’ to teach a class about himself.

War of the Wheels: An Update on Ontario’s Vehicular War

Spring it seems is finally here, and with bicyclists returning to the roads, so is an increase in commuter hostility. But this spring things have taken a turn for the worst. This year Southern Ontario has seen a violent confrontation between vehicle operators, so-called “Guzzlers” and bicyclists, otherwise known as “Rusties.” In a Waterloo Honk exclusive, our reporters get to the bottom of what is becoming known as “The Great Vehicular War.”

For most of us, this was a complete surprise. Although, in hindsight, the root causes are crystal clear: vulgar gestures on busy roads, rush hour rage, narrow lanes, all these things contributed to the conflict. It was only a matter of time before all out war broke loose.

The Beginning of the Conflict
City streets are in a state of confusion and chaos — some speculate the Rusties are especially uneasy due to the possibility of Rob Ford’s re-election — but there is one thing each side agrees upon: it all started with the middle finger. Unfortunately that’s where the agreement ends. Who flipped who? The Rusty or the Guzzler? No one knows for sure. But it all went downhill from there. The infamous exchange took place in downtown Toronto. Two commuters verbally brawled for over an hour, causing major traffic congestion. Soon others joined in. Tweets were tweeted, texts were texted. Before long, Toronto’s downtown core was reduced to G20-style pandemonium.

Cyclists joined forces with the pedestrians and established key areas of control in the downtown core. The vehicle operators quickly mobilized in the greater suburban areas. Most combat occurs on the boundaries of these two territories.

Battle ground Toronto
Our correspondent in Toronto managed to interview one Rusty (who wished to remain anonymous) during skirmishes along Bloor St. His face was covered with cloth: “to protect from the emissions,” he said. “They’re throwing everything they got at us, like half-full slurpies or McDonald’s garbage. My buddy got hit with a Timbit just yesterday.” The Rusty talked about the casualties of war as he removed chrome air-valve caps from a nearby BMW. He then proceeded to swap them for the plain black caps on his bicycle tires. “It’s hard to find nice ones like these. I’d love to see the look on this Guzzler’s face when he realizes his fancy shmancy car only has the plain black valve caps,” he chuckled.

The interview abruptly ended when the two suddenly became targets of a drive-by attack. Shouts were heard amidst a barrage of eggs: “Get off the roads you hippies!”

The war quickly spread throughout the GTA, pulling Hamilton into the chaos. But the Rusties have maintained control of the GO Lakeshore train route, which is now seen as a key strategic supply line. A leaked photo indicates that the Guzzlers are preparing for a major aqua offensive from Lake Ontario, codenamed Operation Eco-Unfriendly.

 Leaked photo of Guzzlers staging operation Eco-Unfriendly in front of Toronto, obviously.

Leaked photo of Guzzlers staging operation Eco-Unfriendly in front of Toronto, obviously.

The war spreads
In the meantime the Tricity has toppled into its own war of the wheels. Cambridge was quickly conquered by the Guzzlers, along with the North end of Waterloo. Kitchener has become a Rusty stronghold, but without reinforcements from Hamilton, it is expected that the base will not hold out for much longer.

We managed to contact a Guzzler in Cambridge. “It’s about time we had a showdown with those weenies,” he replied in regards to the War. “The only thing is, the road-market has become volatile as a result.” When asked if he owned roads he replied, “yes, I own a large swath of Hespeler, pretty much everything north of Bishop.” The Honk was surprised to learn that Guzzlers have indeed purchased most roads throughout the Waterloo Region, which explains why they get so angry when bicyclists use them.

Reports are coming in from Kitchener of cars parked in dedicated bicycle lanes, with some suspiciously leaving banana peels in the bike lane after departing. One Kitchenerite reported that Guzzlers are opening their vehicle doors irresponsibly fast. “They park on the side of the a road and they open their door without checking. They’re definitely trying to catch bicyclists off-guard.”

She said she’s been doing her part to contribute to the war effort. “I take my time crossing roads at stop signs,” she whispered, “and the cars have to wait extra long for me.”

Miles of Secret Tunnels Unearthed By Pothole in Waterloo

One man's sandbox is another man's entrance into a 14 mile long underground tunnel (Photo credit:

One man’s sandbox is another man’s entrance into a 14 mile long underground tunnel (Photo credit:

Waterloo’s pothole “problem” has generated a lot of upset in the past few months. But Waterloo residents might be pleased to hear that one pothole has uncovered one of the most exciting discoveries the city has made since inventing the Euro. As of this morning it’s official: 14 miles of underground tunnels have been discovered below the city of Waterloo.

We spoke with the woman who made the discovery, Lori Larsen, a savvy librarian and proud mother of 3. “The kids had been using the pothole as a sandbox for the past few summers, just work with what you have, you know? Well this year we decided to convert the thing into a wading pool instead, and boy did we get a surprise!”

While trying to dig up the accumulation of sand and asphalt from the small pit, Lori pushed through the top layer of a mysterious tunnel – only one meter below the surface of the earth.

“I dare near fell right through!”

Pothole theories abound

While the origin and purpose of the Waterloo Tunnels remains a mystery to scholars and public service officers alike, many theories have arisen. The Waterloo Historic Society posists that the tunnels were dug by Abraham Erb, the first settler in the area, to transport illicit German erotica to St. Jacobs. Contrasting this theory, the rival Historical Society of Waterloo says that they are most likely bunkers built by residents of the town during to War of 1812 to hide their cider and quilts from rampaging Americans.

Meanwhile a group of student historians and archaeologists from Laurier posit these tunnels are the remains of “Old Waterloo,” a little known mythical city from the past. Many others believe the tunnels are proof of alien life forms, while still others fear that Kitchener is trying to infiltrate Waterloo from the bottom up.

No matter the reason, employees of the City of Waterloo are currently excavating the tunnels to determine their safety, and the plausibility of utilizing this new space in a productive way.

“Perhaps an underground shopping centre, or a new chain of mud spas,” says Devin Sharp, project manager. “Whatever the case, we are grateful that Lori and her family nurtured their pothole so lovingly in order to give the City of Waterloo this gift.”

For the time being, residents of Waterloo are strongly discouraged from exploring the tunnels on their own. “The structure just isn’t safe enough yet, and we haven’t completely ruled out the alien life form theory. But sit tight Waterloo, there are plans in the works for a free walking tour [of the tunnels] by June 2014.”

Would you be interested in participating in a walking tour of Waterloo’s Tunnel Network? Let us know in the comments.


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