New Waterloo Vice-President “Knows Nothing”

Last Thursday the University of Waterloo sent an email announcing a new appointment, however newly appointed University of Waterloo Vice-President Bob Crow apparently “knows nothing.”

Medieval Studies student Rose Grit said to The Waterloo Honk, “It’s just a feeling I have. I mean I’m sure I’ll like him, but I think he knows nothing.” This was a feeling that was shared by several other students in the Classics and Medieval Studies lounge. Meanwhile the news did not appear to have spread to the International Development students. Danielle Targair said “Crow? Bob Crow? Haven’t heard of him. Isn’t he from up north somewhere? Weird. My step brother’s name is Bob Crow, but obviously it’s not him.”

The accusations appear unfounded, Mr. Crow has served in many esteemed positions and two Masters degrees. Mr. Crow has yet to respond to the accusation that he lacks knowledge, however President Hamdullahpur said in a press statement on Wednesday that Mr. Crow “will be a light-bringer to this institution.”

Rocket Ship Proposed for Kitchener’s Victoria Park

Kitchener city planners are preparing to draft a proposal to replace the famous clock tower in Victoria Park. “The clock tower is getting old, and we want the younger generation to get excited about Kitchener’s innovative environment, so we’re proposing a replacement,” said Kitchener city Councillor, Frank Etherington.

An artist's rendering of the future rocket ship

An artist’s rendering of the future rocket ship

City planners want to replace the clock tower with a fully-operational rocket ship launchpad.
Councillors said they were surprised at the feedback received during early public consultations. “Most people weren’t happy about it,” said a public employee.

Councillors say that the rocket ship is a part of a long term strategy to make Kitchener one of the most innovative cities in the world. “When we built the new city hall back in 1993, we purposely designed it so that it could be transformed into a spaceship docking station once the technology was available,” claimed one city Councillor. “It just makes sense that Victoria Park would be the launchpad for space travel.”

No current plans for space travel
If you like the sound of rocket ships, you’ll still have to wait to ride one. Planners don’t expect the rocket ship to be operational for a few years. However, the provincial government is on board for the project and has promised one-way trips to Mars bi-annually starting 2024.

Kanye West to Graduate from Wilfrid Laurier University

http://www.ursulaontour.ca/wilfrid-laurier-university-heres-to-another-100-years/

Dr. Max demonstrating some of the other cool things that occur at WLU

The Honourary Degrees Committee made the announcement on Thursday that Kanye West, popular R&B artist, will be receiving an honourary Doctorate of Letters from Wilfrid Laurier University at this spring’s convocation. The Doctorate of Letters, or D.Litt. is an honourary doctor that is considered to be the equivalent or even more prestigious than a Ph.D.

The rapper famously dropped out of college after only one semester to start a career in hip-hop and rap, gaining both wealth and fame far beyond what he could have done had he graduated with a Bachelor of Arts. His hit debut album was titled “College Dropout” and is largely self-referential.

Laurier student body remains unsure
Mr. West’s honourary degree has caused some concern amongst Laurier’s President, Max Blouw, who said in a Youtube video released on Friday that “inspiring lives can be hip too. We must hop on the cool train!” Students on the other hand, appear to be apathetic. When asked how he felt about the news music major Ralph Gonzolato simply shrugged his shoulders and said “I suppose he’s cool. I’m more into the Bach Sonatas right now.” Waterloo Honk reporters also asked several students dancing at Phils, but did not get an audible response.

Dr. Yeezus in prestigious company
Other recipients of the a D.Litt from the Wilfred Laurier University include local artist Woldemar Neufeld, actor Colm Feore and author Joseph Boyden. Mike Duffy and Pamela Wallin, both recently disgraced politician have also recieved D.Litt degrees from Laurier University. The Waterloo Honk attempted to contact Mr. Duffy, but was informed he will be “unavailable for comment” for an indeterminate amount of time. His receptionist did say that Mr. Duffy would be happy to add her name to his current public works project, the “Duffy says hi” website, provided it did not already appear.

At this time it is unclear whether or not Dr. West will teach classes at the University, although some have speculated that the University may follow the University of Missouri and allow the newly minted ‘Dr. Yeezy’ to teach a class about himself.

War of the Wheels: An Update on Ontario’s Vehicular War

Spring it seems is finally here, and with bicyclists returning to the roads, so is an increase in commuter hostility. But this spring things have taken a turn for the worst. This year Southern Ontario has seen a violent confrontation between vehicle operators, so-called “Guzzlers” and bicyclists, otherwise known as “Rusties.” In a Waterloo Honk exclusive, our reporters get to the bottom of what is becoming known as “The Great Vehicular War.”

For most of us, this was a complete surprise. Although, in hindsight, the root causes are crystal clear: vulgar gestures on busy roads, rush hour rage, narrow lanes, all these things contributed to the conflict. It was only a matter of time before all out war broke loose.

The Beginning of the Conflict
City streets are in a state of confusion and chaos — some speculate the Rusties are especially uneasy due to the possibility of Rob Ford’s re-election — but there is one thing each side agrees upon: it all started with the middle finger. Unfortunately that’s where the agreement ends. Who flipped who? The Rusty or the Guzzler? No one knows for sure. But it all went downhill from there. The infamous exchange took place in downtown Toronto. Two commuters verbally brawled for over an hour, causing major traffic congestion. Soon others joined in. Tweets were tweeted, texts were texted. Before long, Toronto’s downtown core was reduced to G20-style pandemonium.

Cyclists joined forces with the pedestrians and established key areas of control in the downtown core. The vehicle operators quickly mobilized in the greater suburban areas. Most combat occurs on the boundaries of these two territories.

Battle ground Toronto
Our correspondent in Toronto managed to interview one Rusty (who wished to remain anonymous) during skirmishes along Bloor St. His face was covered with cloth: “to protect from the emissions,” he said. “They’re throwing everything they got at us, like half-full slurpies or McDonald’s garbage. My buddy got hit with a Timbit just yesterday.” The Rusty talked about the casualties of war as he removed chrome air-valve caps from a nearby BMW. He then proceeded to swap them for the plain black caps on his bicycle tires. “It’s hard to find nice ones like these. I’d love to see the look on this Guzzler’s face when he realizes his fancy shmancy car only has the plain black valve caps,” he chuckled.

The interview abruptly ended when the two suddenly became targets of a drive-by attack. Shouts were heard amidst a barrage of eggs: “Get off the roads you hippies!”

The war quickly spread throughout the GTA, pulling Hamilton into the chaos. But the Rusties have maintained control of the GO Lakeshore train route, which is now seen as a key strategic supply line. A leaked photo indicates that the Guzzlers are preparing for a major aqua offensive from Lake Ontario, codenamed Operation Eco-Unfriendly.

 Leaked photo of Guzzlers staging operation Eco-Unfriendly in front of Toronto, obviously.


Leaked photo of Guzzlers staging operation Eco-Unfriendly in front of Toronto, obviously.

The war spreads
In the meantime the Tricity has toppled into its own war of the wheels. Cambridge was quickly conquered by the Guzzlers, along with the North end of Waterloo. Kitchener has become a Rusty stronghold, but without reinforcements from Hamilton, it is expected that the base will not hold out for much longer.

We managed to contact a Guzzler in Cambridge. “It’s about time we had a showdown with those weenies,” he replied in regards to the War. “The only thing is, the road-market has become volatile as a result.” When asked if he owned roads he replied, “yes, I own a large swath of Hespeler, pretty much everything north of Bishop.” The Honk was surprised to learn that Guzzlers have indeed purchased most roads throughout the Waterloo Region, which explains why they get so angry when bicyclists use them.

Reports are coming in from Kitchener of cars parked in dedicated bicycle lanes, with some suspiciously leaving banana peels in the bike lane after departing. One Kitchenerite reported that Guzzlers are opening their vehicle doors irresponsibly fast. “They park on the side of the a road and they open their door without checking. They’re definitely trying to catch bicyclists off-guard.”

She said she’s been doing her part to contribute to the war effort. “I take my time crossing roads at stop signs,” she whispered, “and the cars have to wait extra long for me.”

Miles of Secret Tunnels Unearthed By Pothole in Waterloo

One man's sandbox is another man's entrance into a 14 mile long underground tunnel (Photo credit: http://roadcyclinguk.com/)

One man’s sandbox is another man’s entrance into a 14 mile long underground tunnel (Photo credit: http://roadcyclinguk.com/)

Waterloo’s pothole “problem” has generated a lot of upset in the past few months. But Waterloo residents might be pleased to hear that one pothole has uncovered one of the most exciting discoveries the city has made since inventing the Euro. As of this morning it’s official: 14 miles of underground tunnels have been discovered below the city of Waterloo.

We spoke with the woman who made the discovery, Lori Larsen, a savvy librarian and proud mother of 3. “The kids had been using the pothole as a sandbox for the past few summers, just work with what you have, you know? Well this year we decided to convert the thing into a wading pool instead, and boy did we get a surprise!”

While trying to dig up the accumulation of sand and asphalt from the small pit, Lori pushed through the top layer of a mysterious tunnel – only one meter below the surface of the earth.

“I dare near fell right through!”

Pothole theories abound

While the origin and purpose of the Waterloo Tunnels remains a mystery to scholars and public service officers alike, many theories have arisen. The Waterloo Historic Society posists that the tunnels were dug by Abraham Erb, the first settler in the area, to transport illicit German erotica to St. Jacobs. Contrasting this theory, the rival Historical Society of Waterloo says that they are most likely bunkers built by residents of the town during to War of 1812 to hide their cider and quilts from rampaging Americans.

Meanwhile a group of student historians and archaeologists from Laurier posit these tunnels are the remains of “Old Waterloo,” a little known mythical city from the past. Many others believe the tunnels are proof of alien life forms, while still others fear that Kitchener is trying to infiltrate Waterloo from the bottom up.

No matter the reason, employees of the City of Waterloo are currently excavating the tunnels to determine their safety, and the plausibility of utilizing this new space in a productive way.

“Perhaps an underground shopping centre, or a new chain of mud spas,” says Devin Sharp, project manager. “Whatever the case, we are grateful that Lori and her family nurtured their pothole so lovingly in order to give the City of Waterloo this gift.”

For the time being, residents of Waterloo are strongly discouraged from exploring the tunnels on their own. “The structure just isn’t safe enough yet, and we haven’t completely ruled out the alien life form theory. But sit tight Waterloo, there are plans in the works for a free walking tour [of the tunnels] by June 2014.”

Would you be interested in participating in a walking tour of Waterloo’s Tunnel Network? Let us know in the comments.

 

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New CostCo Wholesale Means LRT Extension

Proposed LRT with appropriate safety barrier.

Proposed LRT with appropriate safety barrier.

In response to public concerns about the possible increase of traffic at the west end Erb St. due to the new CostCo, City council has approved an extension of Light Rail Transit. “We really see a need to make this as consumer friendly as possible,” said Geoff Ishida, Costco VP, “We at CostCo Wholesale hear your concerns (about traffic congestion) and are willing to negotiate an extension of the LRT to include this new CostCo location. Rapid transit and CostCo have a bright future for the taxpayers of KW.”

Conflicted Public Response
Some people who attended the council meeting left feeling very conflicted. “I hate LRT,” said Waterloo resident Bill McFlaggen, “But I also hate getting stuck in traffic. I just feel very conflicted right now. I want to write an angry letter, but I don’t know who I’m angry at.” While Jaime Fforde said he changed his mind completely. “I was totally opposed to the CostCo, ‘cause it’s big and a boxstore and I’m not into boxstores right now, but if they support public transport, then they can’t be that bad, right?”

Great Canadian Mall Train Link Up
It would seem that this extension of the LRT will be part of Great Canadian Mall train plan that LRT consumer resource manager, Jerry Wether spoke to the Waterloo Honk about in February of 2013. Ms. Wether said that the LRT will become part of a national mall train project that seeks to connect malls across Canada. In and email Ms. Wether’s office informed the Waterloo Honk that “the connecting of the Waterloo Region to the LRT will include both Waterloo Region malls and CostCo Wholesale stores because they gave us a lot of money in a totally above board kind of way.”

In regards to concerns raised over customers’ ability to transport large bulk purchases back to their home, an extra large caboose car will be added to the Waterloo LRT. Use of the caboose will be restricted to card holders only, and free samples will be provided.

Construction on the LRT extension is scheduled to begin November of 2015.

Bouncy Castle City Bus (plus 66 others) Released For New Years Eve by The City of Waterloo

Interior of a party bus

Preparations for the “I’ve Got 99 Cats Bus” are right on schedule. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What do Bouncy Castles, Slime Ball Pits, and Karaoke Saunas have in common? Nothing. But tonight they are 3 of 67 themes from The City of Waterloo’s New Years Eve Bus Initiative.

In an effort to discourage drinking and driving this New Years Eve, The City of Waterloo will be throwing 67 simultaneous public transit parties – each hosted on a separate city bus. Each bus will be host to a unique party, including Slip n’ Slide Bus, Pillow Fight Bus, Strobe Light Bus, and many more.

“Each party is inspired by the spirit of the City: exciting, innovative, and full of weirdos,” explains Stephen Scotty, the true mastermind behind the Party Bus Initiative.

Research has shown that last year over 80% of young people chose not to ride the bus on NYE, selecting “too boring” as the number one reason.

“I’d like to see the results of that survey after this year,” scoffs Scotty.

The buses will be released at 8pm this evening, and will be running according to their regular schedules. Keep an eye out for your favourite city councillors who will be stuck on the buses all evening, as  imposed by their official civic duties.

“I just hope I don’t get assigned to the Bouncy Castle Zoo Bus,” states the Deputy Major.

Other buses include:
Piranha Aquarium Bus
Glow in the Dark Petting Zoo Bus
Karaoke Sauna Bus
Butterfly Conservatory Bus
99 Cats Bus
Magma Bus
Snakes on a Bus Bus
Everything is Orange Bus
Science Experiment Bus
Open Air Bus
Snuggie Bus
Mumford and Sons Cover Band Bus
Bus of The Living Dead Bus
Magic School Bus Bus
No Chairs Bus
Pancakes and Coffee Bus
Make Your Own Dreamcatcher Bus
Nap Bus
Monkey Bus
Riding With The Dinosaurs 3D Bus
Nickleback Bus

Don’t drink and drive; drink and ride the Party Bus. You’ll be glad you did.
Happy New Year from The Waterloo Honk. Stay safe tonight!

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